I can’t adequately convey how sick I’ve been since Friday. I finally had enough energy to take a shower today, but yesterday, a quick trip to the post office put me back in bed with shortness of breath.
On Saturday, things went down hill as the day wore on and by Sunday my husband commented how ill I looked, positively ashen. I had no strength, no voice, shortness of breath and couldn’t get out of bed. I have never felt that way before. I didn’t feel sick, per se, but completely un-like myself and non-functional.
Today was my follow-up appointment and all my MFM could say was that she had never seen nor heard of a reaction like that. Of all the medications people take and all the reactions they have, they generally don’t have a reaction to steroids and, if they do, not one like the one I had. We agreed that there would be no more steroid injections in my future.
We started by doing the fetal growth scan. Baby is consistently measuring 1 week+ ahead, with almost every measurement putting him at 31w3d. Amniotic fluid looked good as did placenta. He is still breech, butt at my cervix and legs up by his head. That position explains why he feels so tight in there. He weighs 3#15oz, which is really such a relief.
We did the fFN test and I should have the result* this afternoon. Even if it is positive, not a lot can be gleaned other than it puts me at risk for preterm labor and possible delivery prior to 37 weeks.
My cervix looks exactly the same as it did last week…the funnel is the same, the length is the same, 1.2cm. It responded the same way to having fundal pressure applied.
I am laying low and trying to regain my strength. I’ve done more today than I have since Thursday. I feel like I turned a corner with whatever the reaction was so now I just need to build my strength up.
Emotionally, this entire experience beginning with the cervical shortening at 24 weeks, the funneling, the continued shortening, the positive fFN, the decision to go forward with steroids, my physical reaction to that, put me in a dark place. I just couldn’t see our way to a positive outcome. It had a lot to do with the uncertainty of what might or could happen and my fear surrounding the uncertainty and my own ability to know what to do if something did happen. Today’s growth scan coupled with me starting to feel better and more like myself, have gone a long way toward me feeling more optimistic. This baby and I are going to get through this, one day, one week at a time until it is time for him to join us on the outside.
I’ve done and am doing everything recommended to me to stay pregnant. The complex and complicated dance between baby and placenta and cervix and hormones that cause labor are barely understood by professionals so how can I possibly expect to have any control over what happens. For now, I have to live my life, be a mother to my son and a wife to my husband and find a way to be productive in spite of my fear. I will continue to take it easy but I have to let go of the fear. Remanding myself to bed and fearing that any movement may be the movement that causes my water to break or whatever is irrational and unhealthy. It’s not good for my body or my mind. I will be prudent, but I have to live.
At the outset of starting this blog almost 3 years ago, I could not have predicted what a lifeline it would become. Having this place to write, being able to share my story, my hopes and my fears, and now living day to day being pregnant at 46 with a short cervix and feeling the connection to those who read and/or comment allows me to believe that I will be OK. There is a consciousness bigger than myself which shoulders me at the very times I cannot hold myself up. I am deeply and profoundly grateful.
*fFN is NEGATIVE! Well, well, well, seems we do know a thing or two!
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”