Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"



OB Appt., 31w2d and Pregnancy Weirdness

My OB appointment was uneventful in that my 1cm cervix is still closed.  What was interesting is that, while still breech, baby boy managed to free at least one leg, the foot of which was kicking my cervix.  We were able to watch him push through the funnel with his little foot, but that 1cm at the end held closed.  And, when met with resistance, he eventually moved his foot back.  It was just so surreal to see because you would have thought he would have pushed right through.

My OB also believes I will make it to my scheduled c-section.  We discussed many components of the surgery (staples vs. sutures (it will likely be staples, blech, but they are removed 3 days post op), pain management (IV toradol (which, while a great pain killer, burns like hell going in)), catheter removal (may be as soon as 12 hrs post op or the next morning).  She checked the timing of my c-section which is at 9:30 in the morning.  If the person at 7 AM ends up delivering early for some reason, it could be moved up.  Let’s hope that is not the case.

Being up and around and living my life still takes a bit of getting used to.  One thing that I hadn’t considered but that, frankly, unnerves me, is the way in which people will move in to touch my pregnant belly without asking.  It happened today when I went to the salon.  Granted, it was my aesthetician, but we were walking to her treatment room and she turned around and touched my belly.  I am an open person with few personal boundaries and this is one I hadn’t prepared for.  I just didn’t like it.  It would be one thing if I invited a friend to feel the baby move, but this uninvited touching just made me uneasy.

I have gained about 25# now and baby boy is 4#.  As of today, I am the weight I was when I got pregnant with my son (and I went on to gain 37# with him).  One of the other things that I didn’t consider was people weighing in with their opinion of how I’m carrying this pregnancy.  And, I certainly didn’t consider that I would mostly hear, “8 months?  You can’t be.  You look so small.”  It comes up daily now and bothers me enough that I brought it up to my OB today.  Given that baby boy is measuring more than a week ahead and already weighs 4#, she is completely unconcerned.  It bothers me, nonetheless.

And, it’s not always said in the context of “Gosh, you look great” but more in a “Wow, there must be something wrong” kind of way.  I’ve read many blogs where others have had the same experience and I remember thinking then that it was a high class problem.  Now I get it.  I admit that it plays on my own fears.  Just today, prior to jumping in the shower, I caught a side view of myself in a full length mirror and thought to myself how much smaller I am than I was with my son.  I rationalize that, starting out, I weighed 30 lbs less than I did when cycling with my son and from that perspective, I get it, I really do.  But, it’s kinda like people commenting on your family.  There are things you can say that are off limits to others and this carrying small thing is like that.

I realize that, in the scheme of things, neither have my belly touched or hearing others comment on how I’m carrying makes a hill of beans difference.  But, both have caught me unawares since I didn’t experience either during my first pregnancy.  Given my long time worry over the continuation of this pregnancy and all the niggling things I obsess over where this baby boy is concerned already, I guess I didn’t realize how guarded I am.  And, the myriad questions about the pregnancy grate on me.  The questions re: how far along I am, when I’m due, if I know the sex, don’t bother me, but folks go on and on sometimes asking how the pregnancy has been, do I have other kids, is he excited, how is this pregnancy vs. his pregnancy.  I just find it all, I don’t know, ponderous and invasive.  Maybe that makes me sound ungrateful and I sure am shit am not.  I guess I still feel tenuous and the last thing I want to do it talk to strangers and answer their myriad questions.

I was having my blood drawn to check my thyroid levels and the phlebotomist, who has drawn my blood before, noticed I was pregnant and commented on my birth date (clearly, she’d done the math in her head).  She stopped short of asking how the pregnancy came to be, although I could see it was on her mind.  To deflect it, I quickly pointed out that I had my son at 40.  It was enough to quell her curiosity but was as close as I’d come to someone outright asking me how I am pregnant at 46.

I feel like the worst infertile.  I have been in this world for almost 10 years.  I have championed many friends, cyber and IRL, through their pregnancies and the unwanted questions of others.  I really do feel like I could write a book from the perspective of what it means to be infertile in our society and about the myriad ways the ART process and recurrent pregnancy loss affects and changes a person.  But, here I am, bothered by belly touching and probing questions.  I am surprised at my own lack of preparedness.

“Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns,
be happy that the thorn bush has roses.”


8 comments to OB Appt., 31w2d and Pregnancy Weirdness

  • Thank you for posting this! I’m almost 6 months pregnant at 40, and most people don’t even notice. I’ll try to be prepared now. (the last months I’ve been continually surprised by the effects of infertility on my thoughts and reactions)

    (also here from Mel’s round up)

  • I’m almost 34 weeks and I get those ‘you don’t *look* 8 months pregnant’ comments ALL THE TIME. I invariable feel like I have to say that he’s measuring exactly right, which I hate because it makes me defensive. Usually the person realizes what they said sounded critical and they start stumbling over themselves to say ‘oh, you look great’ or something like that.

    New visitor from Mel’s blog round up.

  • Oh how I hated comments on how little/big I looked. I knew my baby was growing in a healthy manner, as doctors had no issues, but hearing everyone comment on my pregnancy was just frustrating. Sorry you’re getting the comments too.

    May these last few weeks go smoothly and your c-section happen as planned.

  • Mel

    Take out pregnancy and replace that with any other physical condition and we’d all say that the other person’s behaviour was so completely out of place and rude, yet when it comes to pregnancy, we’re supposed to happily smile and invite the world in to comment on our body or our baby. So no, I don’t think you’re the worst infertile. I think you’re just a normal person who is reacting to having her personal space (and emotional space) invaded.

  • Anna

    It’s good to hear that all is still ok and that your OB is still expecting things to be ok your c-section.

    I totally empathise with your reaction to the smallness comments, it made me uneasy too. It was my only pregnancy and I was terrified of her not being big or strong enough and despite all of the scans, the comments fixated my attention on that worry. I was also shocked and upset about being touched on my tummy, the most special bit of me that I was most concerned about, by people that didn’t know me.

    You are not the worst infertile, you’re a normal infertile (I would say you’re a normal pregnant woman but I can only judge by my own infertile experience). You would feel sensitive, worried, hyper-aware of being pregnant and the attendant implications. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are accomplishing something brilliant and dealing with fears and complications and other people. Other people’s reactions and behaviour around family-building are a key part of what exacerbates the horribleness of infertility, that this also applies to pregnancy is certainly something you already knew but experiencing these things would still get to you, you’re still a person.x

  • I had the same issues with the comments that I was carrying small when I was pregnant with Lucky. One woman told me “You can barely TELL you’re pregnant!” Given how scared I was about getting pregnant, yeah, that played on my subconscious AND conscious fears about being pregnant, bringing home a live baby, etc. I didn’t like it at all, to put it mildly.

    I think a lot of it has to do with position. Lucky was breech as well (the beauty of a bicornuate uterus), his head was in my rib, and his body was basically wrapped around my stomach. I looked small because my baby was pretty squished into a small space VERRRRY high up.

    Happy you’re still here and upright. And I definitely get the tenuous. Hang in there.


  • Meg

    Look, those impolite questions would tax a saint! Your boundaries are there for a purpose. Gently stick to those established comfort zones.
    And great news about your progress. As for your size, again you are doing things just right. Keep on keeping on!

  • I totally get this. Being pregnant at 46 is not the same as being pregnant at a younger age. It just isn’t. And because so few people do it, there aren’t a lot of role models to learn from or ways of knowing what to expect and how to react. Throw in the medical scares you’ve had, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling unsettled with people invading your personal and emotional space.

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