For someone who did not gain weight rapidly during my 1st or 2nd trimesters, I am shocked to report that as of today, I’ve gained 37#. OMG! That is how much I gained during my entire pregnancy with my son. It is what it is, but boy it explains a lot in terms of how I’ve been feeling.
I am now on “labor watch” which just means that any sign of my water breaking or consistent contractions means I should head to L&D. We are T-26 days to my scheduled c-section. And (and let me get this out of the way now), there will be no early c-section. Even with the pain, there is no indication for moving it up (although she did say that if we weren’t so sure of my dates, she would think that we were off given how he is measuring). You will see in the next paragraph how much I wish that was the case.
We did fetal measurements and baby boy is estimated to weight 7#2oz. Not only that, but in head, belly, and femur measurements, he is measuring 38w1d. And, he is complete breech with his head under my right ribs, his spine up and curving to the left past my belly button, his butt firmly wedged in my pelvic cavity, with his knees bent up by his belly. No.wonder.I.am.so.uncomfortable.
Bottom line: the mother’s physical discomfort is not taken in to consideration in scheduling a c-section. My blood pressure is low, there is no protein in my urine, I don’t have previa or GD, or any other diagnosed pregnancy related complication that would signal an early delivery. I haven’t Googled to see what the average weekly weight gain is for a baby during the last month of pregnancy, but we are certainly looking at another 8+ lb baby (my son was 8#9oz, 22″).
She assured me that given the softness of baby’s bones and resulting flexibility that baby will be fine no matter what I may think about external scar tissue. The pain from Thanksgiving subsided by Tuesday and only comes back if I am overly active. I feel it now but it is bearable. My OB joked, “what are you going to think if there isn’t any scar tissue when we get in there?”. Well, I’m going to think, “what the fuck was causing all that pain!”.
She did the Group B Strep screen today, I’ll see her weekly for the next two weeks, then see my MFM in three weeks for pre-op and the following week will be go time. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to wrap my brain around the fact that even with my short cervix, and especially with this big baby, it is likely I will make it to term. How/when did that happen? And, now, I am anxious surrounding having and recovering from a c-section, but that’s its own post.
It is just so humbling, I mean to be here at all, at my age, after everything we’ve gone through. There is an ‘am I worthy’ element to my thoughts. Is it about resourcefulness, tenacity, and sticktoitiveness? When we stopped ART in July 2009 and began adoption efforts in December 2010, I would have never dreamed that we’d be here, that this was going to be our path to completing our family. Hell, there were times I didn’t believe there would be a #2 at all. And, although I know how we got here, I wonder why we did. Why did things unfold this way for us? It is an unanswerable question or perhaps one with many answers, but I can’t help but think about the people I know and care about who are still in their struggle to have either their first or second child. There is an element of guilt in an embarrassment of riches way. It’s more of a I want this to be the case for all those in the thick of it right now. But, with no guarantees, I know that isn’t reasonable and everyone has their end point. It is most accurate to say that I want that everyone’s path lead them to their happy ending without completely depleting or destroying them in the process.
And, to all those who have asked about my note to my birth mother, I haven’t completed or sent it, yet. I appreciated all comments and took to heart the common theme that I should convey more emotion to better impress upon her why these things are important to me. And, I get it, I really do. It is just that I am ambivalent toward her even if I’m not ambivalent toward wanting the information. So, it is hard for me to conjure much more than I did in the draft that I posted. I definitely want to send something to her in the next week or so, before Christmas, and I will publish what I send.
I am convinced that it is the warm, supportive, and concerned thoughts, thoughts that I sometimes could not muster for myself, that have gotten me this far. To have a community, most of which are complete strangers, care about me, this baby, my family, our journey, and the outcome, makes me teary with deep, heartfelt emotion. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for coming on this far with me and sticking around at least long enough to see it through. 26 days and counting. Wow.
“We have to stop and be humble enough to understand that there is something called mystery.”