It is what it is (or is it?)

Last weekend will go down as one of the worst of my life.  From Friday night through Sunday night, the pain in my chest was narcotic requiring, drive me to tears painful.  Had it not been for the Percocet, we would have had to travel back to the hospital.  I had to take a pill every four hours to just manage the pain.  And, here is the thing: while Percocet is an excellent pain killer, it also makes me extremely drowsy and emotional.  And, one of the lesser known side effects is that it is a histamine blocker so it made me itch from head to toe.  However, I preferred that to the pain.

It is very frightening and disconcerting to have near constant pain in one’s chest that one knows is attributed to one’s heart.  It is the last organ (other than the brain) that you want something to go wrong with.  Having this crushing, radiating pain in my chest is one thing; having it while 9 months pregnant ratchets things up considerably.

Luckily, over the course of the weekend, I was able to line up 3 of our sitters to care for our son.  My husband ended up having to go in to work at 6:30 in the morning on Sunday and didn’t get home until 4.  Sunday was, by far, the worst day and one of the darkest, emotionally.  I was in pain, in tears, hopped up on meds, and alone at home. I didn’t want to be alone, in fact, I didn’t think it was safe, but the thought of having someone else here, other than my husband, was too much to consider.  I made it through.

I am happy to report that yesterday and today have shown incremental improvement.  I took my last Percocet at 11 PM on Sunday (and, can I just say, that while I see how its pain killing benefits might be addictive to someone IN pain, I can not, under any circumstances, see getting addicted to the side effects.  I would take my state of level headed consciousness over that state of loopiness ANY day).  I have a bottle of less intense pain killers, Norco, but I haven’t had to take any, yet.  There is still chest pain, especially when I take a deep breath, but it is not constant.  I was even able to run a couple of errands yesterday and today and drive myself to my NST appointment (a 2 1/2 hr ordeal).  I truly think I have turned a corner with this and am so, so, so, so grateful .  I feel a bit like I am recovering from surgery as both yesterday and today I slept for 2 hours straight each afternoon.  That goes well beyond my usual 12 minute power nap.

Baby boy seems fine, his heart rate is good, he continued to move throughout my drug induced haze, and his amniotic fluid is good.  I see my OB on Thursday and have another NST on Friday.

This episode has prompted reflection on so many parts of my life, my relationship with my husband and son, my relationship with my body, my fear of dying, my role as a mother, my thoughts of the future, especially returning to work, and my relationships, who I can truly count on and who I just can’t.  It is important to know the difference and situations like this really do clarify things.

So, I’ve had back to back days of improvement.  I hope the trend continues.