Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




This is the word, the past tense of is, that parents and loved ones of those precious children slain at Sandy Hook Elementary School, are using to describe their child.  Was is a word I simply cannot shake as it cuts to the core of the devastation, that a living, innocent, vibrant child, full of life and life ahead, is no longer.

I do not presume to have the answers to where we go from here.  But, as I posted to Facebook as the horrific details from Friday settled upon us, “Tears, tears, and more tears.  There are not enough tears that can be shed for children taken so tragically and way too soon.”  Since then, as my heart is still heavy and grieving for the families and for our country, I have wondered how, during a time of great divisiveness, we are ever going to come to terms with this not being a unilateral problem, but a multifaceted one needing a multifaceted approach.

There are many facts surrounding mass killings in our country that have come to the fore in light of the massacre at Sandy Hook.  I will share links to the information below.  What I now understand that I did not fully grasp prior, is that mass killings by civilians not related to civil unrest are almost completely unique to the US.  As to the procurement of guns, in the 61 mass killings documented over the last 30 years, 80% of the weapons used were legally acquired*.  And, 50% of the shooters had a history of mental illness.  While many supporters of gun ownership argue the right to bear arms for protection, in none of the 61 mass killings did any civilian attempt to intervene by shooting the shooter.  And, can you imagine how much worse the devastation in the Aurora, CO movie theater would have been had someone attempted to?

As alarming in our love affair with guns, is that on black Friday of THIS year, Americans purchased a record 283,000+ guns**.  There are more gun shops in our country alone than Starbucks locations worldwide***.  And, where public support of a ban on handguns was once as high as 60%, it has fallen to 26%****.

We will never be able to fully protect ourselves or our children from those bent on doing harm and causing mass devastation.  We simply can’t predict how, when, or where they will act.  But, one thing I know for sure is that the degree of devastation would be mitigated by banning civilian ownership of assault rifles.  At first, it was reported that Adam Lanza used two handguns to slaughter his victims but by today we know he used a semi-automatic rifle, shooting his victims multiple times, and firing “hundreds” of bullets in the span of less than 20 minutes, killing 26 people and leaving only one wounded victim alive.

But as important as it is for us to consider how we go forward with guns, is how we bring the treatment of mental illness out of the shadows and into the light.  Of the many pieces I’ve read, what struck me most was this piece by Liza Long, I am Adam Lanza’s Mother. When this mother’s only option for handling her mentally ill 13 year son is incarceration, we have a deep and serious problem. Yet, she knows she needs help and wants it but there is no help since he is undiagnosed and properly functional most of the time. If he were my or your son, what would we want and deserve in terms of his treatment and care?

The children killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School are our children. As I awoke at 2:30 this morning to get something to drink, I knew my son was sleeping soundly in his room. I couldn’t help but cry for the parents likely huddled in their child’s room knowing they would never be coming home. The image of parents recovering their beautiful children from the morgue guts me. How do we prevent any more children from becoming was?

* A Guide to Mass Shootings
** The unanswerable questions wrought by gun violence
*** Final Note: There are more than 58,000 gun shops in the US
**** Record low favor handgun ban

4 comments to was

  • I too read the article I am Adam Lanza’s Mother. I was appalled by all the negative feedback I read following it. This is a women crying out for help with her son, because the only option available is unacceptable. I don’t know what the answer is, but it truly is such a tragedy all the shootings that have taken place, and especially such little ones at Sandy Hook.

  • Well said. There has to be a way to stop these tragedies from happening or at least make it harder for another person to do such harm so easily. My heart is broken for all those mourning the deaths on Friday. Holding them close in my thoughts and prayers and the quote going around on Facebook by Mr. Rogers talks about, I am trying to focus on the helpers during the aftermath and as I wrote about on my blog today, I am also trying to remember the innocent children and adults who were killed at Sandy Hook. Thank you for your comment and for sharing about the children you are remembering.

  • I have no words about this tragedy.
    I wanted to share with you this post about the post you mentioned:
    Whenever there is a voice saying yes, there is another saying no…

  • Such a thoughtful post. I too can’t stop thinking about the mothers and fathers who kissed their children goodbye on Friday morning who will never welcome them home from school again.

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