Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




I am not sure what it is about this pregnancy and my upcoming c-section, but I am feeling an anxiety that I didn’t feel preceding my c-section with my son. I’m worried about so many things…the procedure itself, baby boy being healthy (this worries me the most for some reason), the recovery, missing my son, whether the pericarditis will be a factor, breastfeeding, mothering a newborn again, all of it.

For a variety of reasons, I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy at all. I was hoping to since I felt so robbed during my pregnancy with my son, yet I just haven’t. I’ve been plagued with worry over one thing or another and even though I adjusted and it was SO much better not being bedridden, and I am truly, to my core, grateful to have had this opportunity gifted to us, I’m just not a good pregnant woman. I am sure that at some point I will have regrets over that.

We made trip #3 to L&D yesterday. We’d gone out with friends to dinner on Saturday night and the recurring pain I’d been getting in my lower right abdomen was back. It kept me up from midnight to 6 a.m. We had tickets yesterday morning to see The Hobbit and since we were going to the iPic (where every chair is fully reclinable/positionable) I decided we should go. ¬†However, during the 3 hr movie, the pain migrated up and under my ribs and was fairly intense. I was crying by the end of the movie, not just from the pain but from my worry that if we went to L&D that they would admit me and that I would miss Christmas with our son.

We got home and I laid down, hoping that would help but it really didn’t. I decided to call L&D and spoke to the OB on call who, as I knew she would, suggested I come in. I was mostly concerned about about baby boy knowing if I didn’t go in and something happened to him as a result ¬†that I wouldn’t forgive myself. We ended up being there for 2 1/2 hours, he was fine, I only had one contraction and the pain mostly dissipated before we left. They did a manual cervical check and I have 1/2 cm cervix left and am 1 cm dilated. I started spotting yesterday morning, as well, which is the other reason I decided to go in. That was chalked up to late term cervical changes.

So, it’s Christmas Eve and I find myself quite melancholy. I am proud to have made it this far, in spite of my short cervix and all the worry that went along with it. But, I am feeling a general malaise. There is a whisper of “what have I done” and “was this really what was supposed to be the path for our family” as well as “who do I think I am to be having a baby at 46″ and “oh my God am I going to be able to do this again, successfully”. I am not sure what the driver of the fear is other than that of the unknown and I completely realize how irrational it is at this late stage.

I’m feeling very emotional about my son. I’ve still not shaken the sadness over what happened at Sandy Hook and was in tears in the shower this morning imagining anything tragic or horrific like that befalling our family. And, for the surviving children, I think of their innocence lost and the tears come again.

So, Wednesday, 9:45 AM PST, is my c-section. I want it to be complication free and for our son to be his healthy, 10 fingered, 10 toed, self. I want to be on the other side, to be able to free up the mind and heart space that has consumed me for the better part of the last 5 years as we’ve tried in earnest to complete our family. I can’t even imagine what I’ll do with all that free space but I am hoping it is filled with the kind of contentment that finally being on the other side will bring. Love, joy, and gratitude expanding exponentially. To see my son as a big brother will swell my heart to overflowing.

But, in the anticipation there is apprehension. I am glad for the joy of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our son, alone as a family of three for the last time. In some ways, that breaks my heart, too, as it is all we’ve ever known together.

I am not sure what it is, that in the face of no credible reason to, I’m worried. It has to be based in this IF struggle; the long, hard, depleting, twisted journey that brought me to this place. Perhaps there is something rooted in the inability to create one’s family the traditional way that necessarily instills fear and doubt. That co-mingled with the struggle is the fear that a true happy ending can’t possibly be in the cards. Or, maybe it is self-doubt instilled in me by my parents. That even though I have proved them wrong again and again by making sound and successful choices, their words are poison arrows. A lesson in what NOT to do to one’s child(ren).

For those celebrating Christmas, I hope it is a merry one and that you are of good cheer.

I will post something as soon as I am able on Wednesday and appreciate any and all well wishes you might send my way.

“Christmas waves a magic wand over the world, and behold,
everything becomes softer and more beautiful.”
~Norman Vincent Peale


16 comments to Apprehensive

  • Hope all went well this week. And please stop knocking yourself: plenty of women with far fewer complications than you have experienced absolutely loathe pregnancy. It’s okay not to enjoy it. Really. I applaud you for your frankness. It’s also okay to take the things you can control off your plate if you’re overwhelmed.

  • Jen

    Please know I think of you often! And am hoping you are recovering now….and everyone is healthy.

  • Erin

    Can’t wait to hear the details! Hope you are well!

  • Hope you’re enjoying snuggling your new little one now! :)

  • Anna

    You will be in a different space by now but I wanted to comment anyway. Firstly, you have all been in my thoughts and I have everything crossed that all is well.

    You are so strong and so thoughtful and both of these things will contribute to making your life with 1 more of you work. I was also a bad pregnant person but I think it was an appropriate response to a stressful situation, as I think your worries are based on the difficulties and question marks of pregnancy. It would be nice to have a ‘nice’ pregnancy but I console myself with the thought that whereas pregnancy is fleeting, what I really want to be good at is the longer term stuff, being a good enough Mum is more important than pregnancy.

    Regarding the ‘what have I done’, I think that’s logical too. As all of your great commenters have said here, it will work out. You have been on the edge of realising something so huge and longed for, that last phase before arriving at a goal is usually the most challenging psychologically.

    I hope that you are all well. x

  • Tireegal

    I’m thinking baby boy is here by now! I want to echo what all the other wonderful commenters have said. Pregnancy is crazy making: you never have to do it again! I was a miserable pregnant lady. Consumed with worry.
    You are doing such a good job of being graceful and calm despite all the odds, all the scares and upsets. I don’t blame you for feeling scared right now. This is the culmination of all that you have dreamt of for five years.
    But now you are a family of four, a mom to two sons and a wonderful nurturer of your family. Enjoy if you can! Big hugs!

  • Sarah

    No time to write! My heart and mind are with you this morning. Your grief, arriving early, may free you up for love later today! (((((hugs))))

  • Today is the day! I hope that you are filled with God’s peace today. Thinking of you!

  • All your apprehension will be gone once you see your son. {{{hugs}}} from Marie ICLW

  • Good luck tomorrow! I had my second child in August and it has been much easier than I expected and than everyone told me it would be. My son (the new baby) is just much more easy-going than my daughter is and a better nurser and sleeper. Just wanted to offer that side of things :)

    And I am a terrible pregnant woman. I hated every minute of my pregnancies and was terrified with the last baby to the point I thought I might have a nervous breakdown (high-risk and first pregnancy after loss didn’t help). I was incredibly grateful that my body could give me the gift of children, but you can be thankful and still think being pregnant sucks. That’s OK.

    Visiting from ICLW.

  • As anyone can tell you, the change from a family of three to one of four is big. You will expect to know things about your new baby, since you have already done the caring for a baby thing before. And when those expectations are baffled, well, you are back to square one. Now with added responsibility. but the baby is nothing like your first baby. This is a new baby and you have to get to know him and vice versa. It is a pity you didn’t get to fully enjoy the pregnancy, which is a miracle after all, try to make the most out of babyhood, sleep deprivation and other challenges aside.

    You are strong. No age is a wise age for becoming a mother again. Every age has its pros and cons. You will make it. The first months are a haze, and they pass and you start thinking it gets better and then you have to deal with the joys of teething. :-)

    Thinking of you and praying for the smoothest of sails to the shore of family of four ever.

  • Meg

    You, brave one, will make it through to all the good things you desire. A healthy newborn son, a family of four. A speedy recovery from the cesarean delivery, you have chosen this path! Anti anxiety thoughts and prayers are heading your way!

  • Everything you describe here makes so much sense to me. I have experienced many of the same feelings. I’m not a good pregnant lady, either — but I think I’m making peace with that (sometimes it helps me to imagine if men had babies instead… pretty sure most would be bad ‘pregnant ladies’ too!).

    And even though there’s some much joy at getting to experience Christmas as a mom to an awesome little boy, I think there will always be some sadness in me this time of year based on my own upbringing — lack of love from my mom, etc. Wanting to ‘do it right’, etc.

    What an intense time for you right now, my god. Plus, factor in so much hormonal stuff going on — I wouldn’t be surprised by anything you’re feeling. I’ve got a hunch things are going to work out nicely, but that’s just me :)

    Hope your Christmas is a happy one, and I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow!

  • I was where you are last year, pregnant at 46, scared by the strange things that were happening in my pregnancy, mourning my family of 3, worried about how my older child was going to cope, and not really believing I was going to bring a live baby into the world in just a few short days. I won’t lie–the change from a family of 3 to a family of 4 is monumental, and the sleep deprivation is rough. But then you get through the worst of it and in a few short months your kids are playing together and in a year they’re making each other laugh, and man, is that beautiful. Remember you’re hopped up on hormones, so you’re feeling everything with an intensity right now that is more real than you’re used to. Breathe deeply, and have a beautiful Christmas. I’ll be holding you in my thoughts on Wednesday!

  • I can totally identify with how you’re feeling. and while nothing I can say will help alleviate your anxiety or apprehension, I am sending you calming thoughts for an uneventful and enjoyable christmas with your son, an easy procedure and delightful arrival of baby boy, and a healthful and easy (if not restful) recovery. xo

  • Mel

    It’s going to be an enormous change; change on a that-day level in having your daily routine changed with a trip to the hospital for the c-section, and change on a family-wide level in turning you into a family of 3 (a known entity) into a family of 4 (an unknown entity). And it’s a time of great upheaval outside the home as well with Sandy Hook et al. I think the anxiety — as much as it’s not welcome — is understandable.

    I’ll be hold you in my heart through the holidays and this week.

Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>