I am not sure what it is about this pregnancy and my upcoming c-section, but I am feeling an anxiety that I didn’t feel preceding my c-section with my son. I’m worried about so many things…the procedure itself, baby boy being healthy (this worries me the most for some reason), the recovery, missing my son, whether the pericarditis will be a factor, breastfeeding, mothering a newborn again, all of it.
For a variety of reasons, I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy at all. I was hoping to since I felt so robbed during my pregnancy with my son, yet I just haven’t. I’ve been plagued with worry over one thing or another and even though I adjusted and it was SO much better not being bedridden, and I am truly, to my core, grateful to have had this opportunity gifted to us, I’m just not a good pregnant woman. I am sure that at some point I will have regrets over that.
We made trip #3 to L&D yesterday. We’d gone out with friends to dinner on Saturday night and the recurring pain I’d been getting in my lower right abdomen was back. It kept me up from midnight to 6 a.m. We had tickets yesterday morning to see The Hobbit and since we were going to the iPic (where every chair is fully reclinable/positionable) I decided we should go. However, during the 3 hr movie, the pain migrated up and under my ribs and was fairly intense. I was crying by the end of the movie, not just from the pain but from my worry that if we went to L&D that they would admit me and that I would miss Christmas with our son.
We got home and I laid down, hoping that would help but it really didn’t. I decided to call L&D and spoke to the OB on call who, as I knew she would, suggested I come in. I was mostly concerned about about baby boy knowing if I didn’t go in and something happened to him as a result that I wouldn’t forgive myself. We ended up being there for 2 1/2 hours, he was fine, I only had one contraction and the pain mostly dissipated before we left. They did a manual cervical check and I have 1/2 cm cervix left and am 1 cm dilated. I started spotting yesterday morning, as well, which is the other reason I decided to go in. That was chalked up to late term cervical changes.
So, it’s Christmas Eve and I find myself quite melancholy. I am proud to have made it this far, in spite of my short cervix and all the worry that went along with it. But, I am feeling a general malaise. There is a whisper of “what have I done” and “was this really what was supposed to be the path for our family” as well as “who do I think I am to be having a baby at 46″ and “oh my God am I going to be able to do this again, successfully”. I am not sure what the driver of the fear is other than that of the unknown and I completely realize how irrational it is at this late stage.
I’m feeling very emotional about my son. I’ve still not shaken the sadness over what happened at Sandy Hook and was in tears in the shower this morning imagining anything tragic or horrific like that befalling our family. And, for the surviving children, I think of their innocence lost and the tears come again.
So, Wednesday, 9:45 AM PST, is my c-section. I want it to be complication free and for our son to be his healthy, 10 fingered, 10 toed, self. I want to be on the other side, to be able to free up the mind and heart space that has consumed me for the better part of the last 5 years as we’ve tried in earnest to complete our family. I can’t even imagine what I’ll do with all that free space but I am hoping it is filled with the kind of contentment that finally being on the other side will bring. Love, joy, and gratitude expanding exponentially. To see my son as a big brother will swell my heart to overflowing.
But, in the anticipation there is apprehension. I am glad for the joy of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our son, alone as a family of three for the last time. In some ways, that breaks my heart, too, as it is all we’ve ever known together.
I am not sure what it is, that in the face of no credible reason to, I’m worried. It has to be based in this IF struggle; the long, hard, depleting, twisted journey that brought me to this place. Perhaps there is something rooted in the inability to create one’s family the traditional way that necessarily instills fear and doubt. That co-mingled with the struggle is the fear that a true happy ending can’t possibly be in the cards. Or, maybe it is self-doubt instilled in me by my parents. That even though I have proved them wrong again and again by making sound and successful choices, their words are poison arrows. A lesson in what NOT to do to one’s child(ren).
For those celebrating Christmas, I hope it is a merry one and that you are of good cheer.
I will post something as soon as I am able on Wednesday and appreciate any and all well wishes you might send my way.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over the world, and behold,
everything becomes softer and more beautiful.”
~Norman Vincent Peale