Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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2 Months Today

Nothing marks the passage of time like watching a child grow before your very eyes.  The near 14# of cherubic chubbiness that is asleep in his swing is not the jaundiced, days old, 8#7oz newborn we brought home from the hospital a mere two months ago.  He is becoming more of himself every single day.  He wakes in a good mood as evidenced by his beaming smile when I greet him and go to pick him up.  He now smiles often and intentionally and boldly this big toothless grin.  And he coos, all the time he coos, and other than the sound of his heartbeat in utero, I am not sure there is a more heart filling sound.

And, as a family, we are melding together and growing around him.  There have been many times in the last week where my older son, upon the sight of us all assembled in the same room at the same time, will say, ‘we’re all here, our family”.  He, too, is coming into his own, in his new role as a big brother.  When he gets home from school and if baby is sleeping he’ll say, “I just want to go check on my brother.”  Or, if I put baby in his crib to have a hands free moment I’ll return to find him reading through the slats to his baby brother.  I will pause, by the threshold of the door, to taking it all in, these early, formative bonds of love.

I have come far in these weeks and, yet, am still not quite who I am going to be.  I am sleeping regularly and baby’s schedule is somewhat more predictable even if he still wakes to feed twice overnight.  The sleep has cleared the desperate cobwebs from my mind and I am able to run our household once again.  I won’t lie, I do NOT look forward to the 4 AM feeding as it is still the most difficult one.  He wakes and grunts and thrashes his way through that feeding somewhat disgruntledly and then has a hard time going back to sleep.  I now expect that my new wake-up time is whatever time I relieve my husband (somewhere between 1:30-3:45) and I am lucky to eek out another hour of sleep.  I never feel fully rested but I am able to function.

I was apprehensive about having the post partum doula come.  It just seemed a bit off-putting to have someone in my house for 5 hours straight observing and/or helping me tend to baby.  I will say, though, that it was money well spent and I have flogged myself many times for not hiring a night doula early on.  Oh, the anguish it would have saved me.  It is something I will likely always regret because it so colored my memories of those early weeks.  But, there is no going back, only forward.  She was very helpful without being judgmental or overbearing.  And, because my older son was home from school (he threw up that morning), the timing couldn’t have been better.  I learned a few things about the physiology and psychology of newborns, about how to swaddle more effectively, and about how to wear him in one of the carriers I have.  It was also validating that someone who has assisted in the lives of 100 or so babies saw in Baby G what I already knew to be true–that he is temperamental and likes things just so.  It’s hard to say whether that is nature or nurture and I do think we had some hand in creating some of his behaviors (his dependence on the vibration of the bouncy chair, for instance), but it doesn’t really matter at the moment which came first.  I am having her come back again this week to see if she can help me devise a game plan for increasing the time between feedings during the day and the volume of the feedings overnight as we work to stretch his day time periods of wakefulness in the hopes of also stretching his overnight periods of sleep.  (For anyone interested  I read Lisa Abidin’s, Twelve Hours Sleep by Twelve Weeks Old, and, while I do not believe you can or should sleep train a newborn, there were some practical takeaways that I’ve started to implement. Right now, his longest stretch of sleep is from 6/6:30 PM – 10:30/11 PM.

And, finally, it was with a deeply heavy heart that I made the decision to stop breast feeding/pumping.  Even though I had finally gotten to a place where I was producing 3-4 oz per session, because we started supplementing so early on, it took a Herculean effort to maintain that volume.  The cycle of preparing to pump, pumping, washing pump parts and preparing for the next session was arduous enough then to do it 8 times a day timed to when baby boy was sleeping and going to stay asleep was stressful and coloring my enjoyment of him.  I eventually cut it by half, pumping 4 times/day and sometimes even feeding at the breast, but, expectedly, my supply diminished.  Then, last week, I got sick and that became the end of it (I missed pumping one session and barely got anything (I mean maybe 1/2 oz combined) the next session and I just did not have the stamina to resume pumping 8 times/day to build it back up.  I have cried many tears over this decision, knowing full well I will never breast feed another baby but I am on the other side of it now and settling into formula feeding full time.

More to come as baby boy is waking from his nap.  I will leave you with his countenance, on this, the beginning of his third month of life.

7 comments to 2 Months Today

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