Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Emerging

I don’t often post “day in my life” type entries, but as I emerge to rejoin the land of the living, it seems only fitting. My son came down with a chest cold two weeks ago which means that my husband and I weren’t too far behind (so much for adult immunity). There has been a LOT of coughing here, but no other symptoms. However, it set us on a long road of sick.

During this time, our son’s god-father lost his father suddenly and tragically, good friends gave birth to their long awaited boy/girl twins, another friend, pregnant with boy/boy twins, had her water break on Twin A at 24 weeks and has been in the hospital doing everything she can to nurture her boys in utero a while longer, two friends announced their pregnancies, and yet another suffered the tragic loss of her 4 year old nephew as she was preparing to give birth to her long wanted son. It has been a heart warming and heart breaking time and I could not be there for everyone as I had hoped, but did my best to convey my support and love.

A stomach bug has been going around and it caught up to me on Saturday morning. In the wee hours, I began my 8 hrs of wretched vomiting and, well, the other end. It precluded me from going to the funeral of our friend’s father, which I deeply regret. By Saturday night, my son was crying that his ear hurt (he is prone to ear infections) and we made an Urgent Care appointment for the following morning (go, Kaiser!). He awoke at 10:30 and 2:30 uncomfortable and complaining of ear pain. At 5:30 in the morning, I awoke to the sound of him vomiting and went to his room to find he’d thrown up and was standing in the middle of it crying. My poor, poor little guy. Nothing scares him like vomiting. My husband, who had slept on the couch to avoid getting my stomach bug, ran in and placed a plastic tub in front of our son which he proceeded to use immediately. At the same time, I thought my husband lost his balance and had fallen on the bed, but within moments, he tried to stand, collapsed head first into the chair by our son’s bed, and crumpled to the floor gasping for breath. I ran over to him, slapped his bare back and called screamed his name repeatedly and he was completely unresponsive to me. It took only a matter of seconds for me to know that he needed help so I ran to call 911.

The paramedics arrived within 3 minutes of my call (thank the universe we live almost around the corner from a fire station) and by then my husband had come to and was throwing up on the floor. I will flash forward to say that he spent the rest of Sunday vomiting and visited the doctor yesterday who thinks that his collapse was caused by being nauseated during sleep + getting up too fast + running into our son’s room before his equilibrium caught up + being gripped by this virus. He has no recollection of what happened after placing the tub in front of our son and finding himself on the floor throwing up.

It was a traumatic experience in many ways, most of all having to leave our son for the few seconds it took me to call 911 so that I could as calmly as possible convey what had happened to the dispatcher to ensure help would arrive swiftly. I was gone, out of the room, for about a minute, and worried beyond belief for my husband and for my son and what must have been going through his young mind at the sight of his daddy on the floor. I didn’t know if my husband was having a seizure or if he’d had an aneurysm or what and just kept willing the universe to let him be OK.

When my husband seemed stable enough, I took our son to his Urgent Care appointment where he was diagnosed with an acute ear infection and a bit of fluid in his right lung (from this lingering cough). We started anti-biotics and we all took the day to convalesce, recover, and regroup from the morning’s events. We’ve spent a fair amount of time listening to our son recount that the “paramedics came to check on daddy” and I know he is still processing what that means.

It is now Tuesday and I am feeling, for the first time, like I am swimming in the sea of my life (perhaps 7 loads of laundry will do that to a person). My husband is back at work (he went in yesterday!) with the promise that he will get a complete physical this week. Our son is back at school. And I had my first meal this morning since Friday.

More than once, as this cavalcade of sick was unfolding, I thought about how would we have managed the weekend’s events with a newborn? In the throes of being sick, I decided that without real support from family (that I could just call to come over) or local friends (that could come to our aid), we simply couldn’t do it, nee, I couldn’t do it. I thought of all the single mothers who had likely endured this and worse, and wondered what they did other than just get by (or is that all that they can do?). I knew better than to make any absolute decisions, but it did give me pause. Just what would I have done with a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn if my husband had to go to the hospital? Who could I have called upon at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning? How could I have adequately parented my son and a newborn as sick as I was especially when my husband was not far behind? What would we have done if the roles were reversed and I found myself in the hospital? What do people do?

I consider myself resourceful and educated and capable but I have never been more insecure about a decision in my life than this decision to have another child. One commenter to a previous post questioned, “What are you afraid of?” and I’ve thought about that daily. Simply put, I’m afraid that I don’t have what it takes to mother a newborn again and I’m afraid of what my life will be like if I don’t.

3 comments to Emerging

  • Oy, how scary. I am glad it all worked out.

    So here’s the thing. People have multiple kids without close support all the time. They manage. They make friends with the moms of kids the same age as yours, they have neighbors they’d call in a real emergency. There’s always a way to manage in a situation as terrible as that one.

    I think it’s the curse of the infertile that we have to THINK “well, wait. Are we really READY for another?” It’s because I had to schedule a date for an embryo transfer. And you have to actually get a homestudy done and approved, and put a profile together. And pay all that MONEY to have it done. Et cetera. We can’t just put it into the universe and say “let’s see what happens. We’ll manage. Everyone does.”

    That’s what I’m trying to do. Always, I have imagined our family to be four of us: me & J and our two kids. That’s the only thing I keep in my mind when I think about what we call mythical #2.

    Because yes, having a newborn and a 3-4 year old will be SO much more complicated than it is right now. But I have to remember that with that complexity will come LOVE, too. Exponential love that will make my heart want to burst when I see our new baby. My son a sibling. My husband a father of two.

    We think of all the downsides of two, but not the upside.

    So I’m trying not to think about the downside. We’ll figure it out, you know?

    Anyway. That’s my two cents. :)

    xoxo

  • Tireegal

    Oh my goodness, you poor thing – that sounds absolutely terrifying. I think you did really great – and yes, fear of that kind of thing kept me ambivalent about having children for years. It’s such a sad reflection on our society that we don’t have those kinds of people we can call at 5 in the morning. what a horrible bug you all got – and so violent! I guess one could comfort oneself with the thought that this kind of thing doesn’t happen very often, but that’s probably no help when you’re trying to make a decision. Glad you are all coming out the other side! Sending hugs(())

  • Oh my goodness – how completely terrifying! SO glad everyone’s ok, but so sorry you had to deal with that!

    As far as your questioning goes, I don’t know the answers to any of those questions, but I suspect you would have found a way – whether or not it’s a way you would have been comfortable with is another story.

    Thinking of you and wishing you some clarity (and an end in sight to coughing and laundry!)

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