Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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I appreciate every single comment on my post about contending with my mother. I think that there are many factors that contribute to the complexity of the issue, namely that I am adopted, that my brother (and her biological first born child) was killed, that we were always taught not to discuss things outside of the family, and that she indoctrinated me at a young age to feel like I was at fault. As an adult, even though I know she is mentally ill, it is hard to react to her in that way because there is a part of me that believes that she is being calculating, manipulative, and mean, on purpose which, in turn, makes me want to confront her and call her out, which just starts the whole shit cycle. I have towed the line for so long, decades, really, because that is what I saw others in my family doing and because she did such a good job making me feel like everything was my fault. It is very hard to undo behaviors even now that I see things clearly. It’s like I want to have logical and rational reactions to illogical and irrational behavior. It just does not work.

I am working really hard at flipping the switch that gets me to look at her for the mentally ill and therefore limited person she is. I’ve only spoken to her once since I wrote that post and, as predicted, she acted like all was well, nothing had happened. I am sure she was angry with me because she expected me to call and check in on her or even come by for a visit (yeah, well except that whole “she’s not receiving visitors” proclamation) but she would never say as much to me directly. I only called as a way of paying my indulgence, but I will not call again. However quickly she and my dad thought that things would return to their version of normal is how quickly I need to do an about-face. I just need to distance ourselves from them, again. Radio silence.

I still have work to do, though, on changing my view of and therefore my reactions to her. If you were to meet her, you might not suspect a thing. But, to see her interact with me would be your first clue. And, if you were to innocently cross her, well, then, you’d release the Kraken and easily see it for what it is. The overriding issue I need to really come to terms with is that she is going to do what she is going to do no matter what I do as it relates to disinheriting me or her grandchildren. I no longer believe there is a way for me to affect the outcome and still be able to live with myself. Getting my mind right where this is concerned is the key toward my true freedom from her.

Nothing from my birthmother (yet, she thinks promisingly).

In baby news, he’ll be 3 months tomorrow. 3 months! I feel like I was just posting about his arrival. He is 16# and mostly wearing 9 month clothes. He eats like a champ, consuming anywhere from 5-6 oz, 6-7 times/day. He has fairly good head control which allows me to put him in the Bumbo as he learns to sit up on his own. A couple of weeks ago, he began batting then grasping at objects and now, with concentration, he can mostly grab what he wants in a gross motor skill display. He’s recently started bringing the objects he grabs to his mouth. He smiles often and broadly and it is heart meltingly sweet.

His schedule and behaviors are far more predictable. Our biggest issue revolves around overnight sleep. He still needs the swaddle and pacifier to sleep, which for some reason prevents me from putting him in his crib (even though he can’t roll over, I imagine him rolling over in his crib, swaddled, and being unable to prop himself up in order to breathe, and, you know, dying). After my MILs departure, we decided to leave the swing in his room (so all naps happen in his room now) and move his bouncy chair in there, too (so his longest nighttime sleep, which is from 7 – midnight, happens in his room, then my husband moves the bouncy chair back to the family room so he can sleep near him after that feeding and I relieve my husband around 3 AM). He becomes restless around this time and really doesn’t sleep soundly again until his first nap of the day, at 8:30. It is ROUGH. He has recently become uncomfortable in the bouncy seat, so he starts arching his back and/or squawking and I have to: pop the paci back in, reswaddle him, and turn the vibration on (it’s the only time he really needs it to stay asleep now), over and over. I can usually keep him asleep until 5/5:30 when he is ready for a feeding, but it takes effort and means that I do not sleep. Something has to give in this area. We are going to attempt to move him to the pack and play to sleep. I ordered a more comfortable mattress (anyone who has one knows they come with a padded MDF pad which would be uncomfortable for anyone to sleep on) so once it arrives, we’ll give a whirl.

If he slept through from his last feeding at midnight to 5 AM, we’d be golden, but that just isn’t really the case. He really only sleeps soundly until 3/3:30 which his a horribly early time to start my day, but it is what it is, for now. As long as I go to be by 9, I can make it through the next day. More, uninterrupted sleep will be much better, though. I am not sure how he will take to the pack n play or how sleeping in it (if he does) will affect how long he sleeps but I do feel like the 3 AM waking is a habit (since he doesn’t need a bottle at that time) that we have to find a way to break.

I’ve returned to working out. YAY! If you’ve followed this blog for some time, you’ll know that I lost 46# and 26″ prior to getting pregnant through a combination of Weight Watchers (the first time in my life) and Cardio Barre. Two weekends ago I went to my first CB class in a year and went back again the next day. Since then, I’ve done the at-home DVD a few times. I am SORE but it feels GREAT to be working out my body again. I just need to get my eating under control. I am borrowing a WW PointsPlus calculator from a friend to see if I can manage the program on my own without having to re-join. I suspect that I will have to join again as the weekly weigh-ins at the meetings were a critical part of my success. We’ll see. I am motivated with my 47th birthday and summer approaching.

The longer days and better weather have brightened my mood considerably even if the situation with my mother has cast a pall. One day at a time.

3 comments to Things

  • Peg

    I love the comment “I want to have logical and rational reactions to illogical and irrational behavior. It just does not work.” I have the same issues with my older sister. We are coming from two different places and I honestly cannot fathom her decisions sometimes. Hang in there.

    Oh, and keep up the good work on the mommy front…you are doing awesome!!! Going from 1 to 2 is really hard and you’re doing wonderfully.

  • ‘ Getting my mind right where this is concerned is the key toward my true freedom from her’- LOVE this! I must remember that phrase every time my father does something that pisses me off…
    Best of luck with the sleep issue. The first year is so tough. Always remember, though- everything with children is a phase. It will get better. Hang in there!

  • Funny, how you know everything what is going on with your mum and how and why you feel the way you do, yet all those years of bad treatment and their effects cannot be contained… So sorry for you.
    You’ve got a big boy on your hands. Only 3 mo and into 9 mo clothes! Wow… I wish you the best of luck with the sleep thing. If it makes you feel better, he sleeps like, or slightly better than my soon to be 9 mo. So yeah.

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