Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Treading

Oh, if only things were sunshine and roses over here. First, baby boy is good. He even slept in his crib for the first part of his overnight sleep last night. We are having an issue with delayed spitting up, like 1 1/2 hrs after a feeding. Not sure what that is all about and he is well otherwise so we’ll just have to see how/if it progresses.

The drama with my mother has reached a fever pitch (as if it is ever was anything but). I can’t imagine anyone being all that interested in the specifics but she has been pushing and pushing on the door that I only meant to open a crack and her behavior knows no bounds. After her tirade with my mother-in-law, she has been recovering from surgery. The last time I checked in (which was over a week ago) I vowed I would not call again and I haven’t. We were scheduled to go to my uncle’s for Easter breakfast. My cousin and her son, who is 18 months older than my older son, were going to be there.

I knew that if my mom found out that he was having us without having her, my dad,  my sister and her family, that she would flip out. I cautioned him repeatedly not to mention it for all our sakes. But, yeah, I knew that he would. And, when he did, he did so in a “well, they have no where else to go so I’m just having them over with my daughter” kind of way. And, wait for it, wait for it, yep, you guessed it, my mom blew. I am not sure what all was exchanged but I know it involved another tirade about me and that I am the cause of all the stress and dismantling of our family. When he disagreed, she threw him out and must have said some pretty vile things because he has said some pretty definitive things about how evil and hateful she is, how much better off we’d all be if she left this world, and how, even if she called him from her death bed, he would never speak to her again. So, yeah, big blow-up.

The fact that he couldn’t keep the smallest confidence, the fact that after everything he has witnessed and endured he can’t be mum for his and my sake, the fact that they are so completely co-dependent made me pull out of Easter. We had a quiet breakfast here, an egg hunt, and a leisurely morning. At some point, my husband took my son over there to see his cousin. It was a brief visit, nothing of my mother was spoken and they came home.

But, could my uncle leave it at that? Oh, no. He had to tell my dad (with whom he has a completely fractured relationship) how worried he is about me, how sick and stressed I am, and how bad it must be because I didn’t even go to Easter. In turn, my dad repeatedly called my husband and I somehow thinking I might be in the hospital (can you believe this shit?) and my husband left a message that he wasn’t sure where the concern was coming from, that I was, in fact, fine, have a nice day.

In an effort to deescalate things (you know, wouldn’t want an ambush visit), I sent a brief email to my dad saying that I got his voice mail, that all was well, and that I was doing my best to not create or be party to stressful situations. Honestly, I was hoping to have the smallest connection with him. Epic fail. My email made it to my mom and instead of getting a response from him, my mother, you know the one who has been spewing hateful things about me to my MIL, uncle, and anyone who will listen, sent me this gem:

“I  am worried about you.  How are you feeling?  You have been through a lot lately and  I’d like to talk to you.
Please give us a call, or drop by and see us
My recovery is going slow. I’ve got nothing to do but listen.
Love, Mom”

And, there, my friends, is the endless loop of crazy.

I am going to see my therapist this week because for some reason I still can’t flip the switch to think of her as mentally ill and I need to work through why.  It is so hard to not have a reasonable avenue in the family to vent to and get support from.  That lack of validation from within the family is what causes me the most grief.  I am so in this alone.  I have to shoulder all this knowledge and clarity yet be vilified for staying away.

And, no word from my birth mother.  Tick tock.

5 comments to Treading

  • I hope your therapist is very helpful. I had some interesting insights talking to mine the other day — am now realizing how much having a new baby on the way is making my mom’s negative effects on my life have an extra-hard impact on me right now. I’m angry as hell about so much, but I still struggle to allow myself to really acknowledge/experience the anger. This seems to make me turn it inside, and then it becomes depression/anxiety. Story of my life!

    Anyway, thinking of you — and wishing we both had awesome, supportive moms to be there for us right now.

  • Yikes. The Crazy is coming at you from so many directions.

    Except from the corner where there is just silence.

    Abiding with you. This must be no fun at all.

  • Meg

    Yes, you are strong. You can handle this the way you have handled you pregnancy, one day at a time. But, now, one day of no contact of any kind at a time. And therapy, of course. What a wonderful husband you have.
    Meg

  • You do have some stories to tell, which would make any shrink fawn all over you. I think it is very hard to think of your mum as mentally ill, especially under such circumstances, and the need to justify yourself, to talk things over rationally, to make her understand your point of view, and so on, will always be there. Your uncle might be under the same false impression that if only he were honest and rational and clear enough, everyone would finally get it, tensed situations would go away and everything would be normal. Which it will never be. And it is quite amusing how simple words and facts get distorted and twisted to grotesque proportions just by being passed from mouth to mouth.
    Be strong. Hope your therapist can help.

  • Wow. You are incredibly strong for being able to cope with this shit without going off the deep end yourself. Hugs. Family dynamics are so bloody complicated. Heaven knows, I don’t have any insights (my family’s rather dysfunctional, too), but wanted to lend my support.

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