Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Does a full house beat three of a kind?

In a prior post I mentioned never envisioning having or being a family of three. And, by that, I mean when I considered having a family, it was always two children plus at least one of the furry, four-legged variety. I have one sibling and my husband has one sibling and it just made sense to me (and to us) that that was what our family would be. Of course we didn’t know what we’d have to endure to have the child we have and that is a factor in considering another, but we mostly talked of having two children when we were in the talking stage.

So much was our desire for a sibling that we began trying again when our son was 5 months old. That meant stopping breast feeding so that I could begin an IVF. So, I did. And, because I had success with my 2nd IVF, I was hopeful that I would again. And, if not with the 1st attempt then surely by the 3rd which quickly became the 4th and then the 5th subsequent own-egg IVF. Of course the chemical and ectopic pregnancies fueled me on. Each cycle had diminishing returns…fewer follicles, fewer eggs, less that fertilized, poorer quality embryos. Although it was a process and not one I came to easily, I eventually had to come to terms with giving up my quest for a full biological sibling. We had run out of time, were depleting our savings, and were emotionally (and I, physically) wiped out.

I had friends that were having success with donor egg cycles and we decided to do one. I mean with 74% odds of success, why not? As I’ve noted before, the DE cycle was an abysmal failure and the FET was canceled because the embryos did not survive the thaw. I was officially done pursuing pregnancy as a means of building our family.

We always said we would adopt if our efforts at pregnancy failed. I attended two adoption seminars, arranged a consultation with the firm we would use and thought that that was the direction we would head. The first adoption seminar was in January, 2008. We’ve made zero progress. More on that in another post.

As older parents with little extended family of our own, there is the consideration that I didn’t want my child to be family-less when we die. As I’ve spoken to friends who are adult, only children many comment that their childhoods were great growing up and they didn’t notice the absence of a sibling or consider it a bad thing, but now that they are older with aging or dead parents, they have no one to reminisce with, no one to fill in the memory gaps, no family to share their life with. And that strikes me as very sad for our son.

So, here we are, on the eve of my son’s 3rd birthday and almost on the eve of my own 44th. I feel like I’m wrangling with this sense of incompleteness all.the.time. It used to be that it consumed 75% of my waking thoughts…when would I cycle, how would it go, how was it going, am I/am I not pregnant, what’s next, and on and on, but now it occupies just 20% of my thoughts. What or to do anything, when, how. I have worked really hard since we stopped trying to just be in the moment of my life with my son and husband and everything else that makes my life rich. And, because I know myself, I’m waiting for a nudge or a sign or an undeniable compulsion to move forward with adoption. But, no such sign has revealed itself to me. And, I have to consider if that is its own sign not to move forward.

1 comment to Does a full house beat three of a kind?

  • Tireegal

    Hi lady!
    That’s a really interesting and thoughtful post. I really enjoyed reading it. Maybe enjoy is not the right word. But I’m sending you hope and peace fir your life as a threesome:)

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