Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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I need a hug

I am feeling particularly emotionally wrung out for a number of reasons. My battery needs to be recharged. And it occurred to me that what’s partially to blame is that I haven’t seen any of my friends socially in some time.

My friends are my surrogate family. They love me, warts and all, unconditionally. The universe saw to it that our paths crossed when they did and there is something unique about the staying power of friends who value each other. They run the gamut from the one I met in grade school, to those I met in high school/college, to those I’ve met in my professional endeavors, to those I’ve met because of IF. Each brings something special and different to the friendship party and I count on them in distinct ways.

Usually, I am on top of seeing my friends regularly and with those that live out of state, at least keeping up via IM or phone. My friendships are important to me and I spare no effort to keep in touch. But, given the many events that have transpired in my life or in the lives of people I care about in the last few weeks, I just haven’t had any available time to do so and I feel depleted as a result. And believe me, there is no amount of Facebooking that can take the place of speaking to or being in the company of a friend.

My husband and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary and 10th year together in two weeks with a soiree. The band that played at our wedding will be there. There will be good food and flowing drinks and many of our family and friends, old and new, will celebrate with us. We didn’t need to have a party to celebrate our anniversary. But, now that we have a young child, most of our social events are geared toward children/families. We used to host an annual holiday party for 100 or so friends, family, and colleagues. But the last one of those was in 2004. So, it seemed fitting that we use our ‘milestone’ anniversary to assemble our friends and family for a little fun. And boy do we need it.

And, I am looking forward to it. I’ve lost 22 lbs and 12 inches and am feeling so much better than I was even 5 months ago. I rarely drink these days and this will provide the perfect opportunity to cut loose. A couple of friends are flying in and there may be a surprise guest or two. I ordered a unique cake (chocolate and white cake with a hand made toffee crunch filling decorated with pictures from our wedding) and a custom earthenware platter that our guests will sign and that I will bake to set the ink and be able to have and use for years to come as a memento. My husband and I will exchange “we wish we’d known then what we know now” vows.

But, maybe I am just tired, or worn out from the inertia of not having moved the ball down the adoption court, or maybe a rift with my parents is causing me strife, or maybe it’s the friends who can’t make it, because something has cast a bit of a pall over my excitement for the event. I felt this way as I was confirming the band and reviewing the details with the venue. I felt it again when I sent out the invitations. And I still feel it now as I’m trying on dresses and deciding what my husband will wear. I am trying to damp it down because frankly it is starting to freak me out.

Maybe and more importantly, I just need a hug several hugs from the friends I miss.

2 comments to I need a hug

  • Can you pick up the phone and at least have a quick chat with the people you are most missing? I know what it’s like to love and miss someone, and how it can eat at you. Your party sounds wonderful though, and I’m sure that those who can’t make it will be thinking of you and wishing you well. And YOU, my dear, will have a fantastic time!

  • I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. Sometimes I think the big things in life – anniversaries, etc. – can be harder to take than they should be – it’s a happy occasion, after all, but sometimes it’s such a BIG occasion that the happy gets overwhelmed by the meaning behind it? And it’s hard when you have friends scattered all over the country (says the woman who’s lived in too many states to list, and who often misses the people she once saw every day with a fiery longing.) I’m thinking of you and hoping that your big bash is so much fun that the nostalgia and loneliness get pushed aside – I love your idea of “if I knew then” vows, and that platter sounds like a marvelous idea. Thinking of you and hoping it gets easier soon.

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