Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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I Could Not Love This Baby More

As I approach my 47th birthday on Saturday, life is busy all of the sudden.  I decided, quite on a whim, to host a party at our house.  It will be the first of its kind in our new (although we’ve been here two years!) place.  We used to have parties all the time at our old house (for up to 100 people!) but young children can have a way of putting the brakes on some plans.  That, and, well, between fertility treatments and pregnancy, I wasn’t really in a position to host.

Baby G was 20 weeks yesterday.  I put him on the scale this morning and he is 19#.  That means that as of today, 4m3w1d, he has doubled his birth weight.  We started solids a couple of weeks ago.  My oh my has baby food come a long way since my older son was an infant (and there were three brands: Gerber, Earth’s Best, Beechnut).  Now, there are all kinds of pouches of organic, pureed delights (for lunch today he had apples/carrots/parsnips) by companies called Happy Baby, and Plum, and Ella’s Kitchen.  And they have flavors that include mint and Cinnamon and nutmeg.  I won’t lie, I sucked down a pouch of ‘Just Peaches’ just because they were that good.

And, so, here we are, having quite nicely settled into this current phase of 5- 6 time a day bottles, a couple of bowls of starter foods, regular naps and regular overnight sleep.  He is rolling over and laughing and cooing and screeching and smiling and otherwise being interested and engaged in the world around him.  He is still the most fascinated by his older brother and our dog.  He can hear both from across the house and he turns to look to see if they are coming his way.   If either cross his path he is mesmerized.

Now that he can roll, we will need to decide how and when to ditch the swaddle.  Because he naps in the swing, there’s no chance of rolling and he is only in the swaddle strap, with his legs out and cradled by the seat of the swing.  Nighttime is a whole other rodeo that includes the swaddle strap and a SwaddleMe.  Because he is so restrained, he can’t easily use his foot to push or his arms at all for momentum.  So, I’m not worried, yet, but we need a plan.  We tried putting him down in his crib with his legs out and it was an utter disaster and if he somehow manages to wiggle an arm free overnight he dissolves into hysteric tears until he is cocooned again.  Our pedi has recommended going cold turkey while other moms have suggested transitioning over time, first one arm, then the other, then the legs.  I don’t know.  I cherish the little good sleep I have so am not keen on upsetting the apple cart, but it’s something that will have to be done for his safety in the coming weeks.

The love.  Oh.the.love.  They say that the love expands and it is so true.  It expands and it deepens and it colors the world in hues of purple and pink and orange .  I may be tired, I may still be carrying around the pregnancy weight, I may even be frustrated, but one look at him and his wide, toothless, gummy grin that lights up his eyes and anything within a 2 mile radius, and I am done in.  I don’t know if it is a product of my age and wisdom, the hard fought battle to have him, maternal nature or some combination of all three (I suspect it is), but I can’t imagine a greater love.  If there was a word for it, I would use it, bold and in all caps.  It is an all consuming, knee buckling, heart-filling, bone deep love.

I never questioned whether I could love a child that was not genetically linked to me because as an adult adoptee I knew in my DNA that I could.  I just never knew how it would feel to have and love another child.  I mean, my mind’s eye thought it saw it and there it was in the pause between heart beats, but until he was out in this world, fully dependent on me, with his fair skin and deep blue eyes, I didn’t know know it.  And, now that I do, I can categorically say I would not have wanted to live without it.

My boys; my family; me.  Complete.

6 comments to I Could Not Love This Baby More

  • happy (belated) wishes for your birthday!
    mine was sun. 44 and counting!

  • Awww, this is an awesome post. Happy birthday to you! And thanks for reminding me of the great things to look forward to. Including that awesome baby food!

  • 19# is a big boy! He is outweighing my boy by well over 2#.

    I was planning to wait until 6 months to start introducing food but F has seemed hungry in the evenings lately. I’ve let him try a few things but haven’t exactly integrated a “meal time” into our busy schedule. What fun!

    I wish I had unswaddling tips but I never got very good at swaddling to begin with. F was always breaking free. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you!

    I’m feeling the love too. I thought I loved F when he was born but that was nothing compared to now. I really can’t stand to plan to do anything without him, even though people keep telling me I need to maintain a social life and adult relationships. I didn’t expect to be that way. I think working full-time has a lot to do with it.

  • what a beautiful confident and supremely blissful post:)

  • M

    So sweet. Thank you for sharing your love and joy with us.

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