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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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47y2d

I celebrated my 47th birthday on Saturday with a party with friends at our house.  It’s the first party we’ve hosted here and, I won’t lie, it was a lot of work.  My husband and I worked all day long prepping the house and yards.  We had parties down pat in our old house but we needed to find our party groove here.  It’s no surprise to me that people don’t host parties because they are costly and tiring.  And, it’s a lot harder to get things prepped with two kids in tow making messes behind me as I cleaned.

The day started when my older son came in with a birthday bag with magazines and candy bars and a handmade card.  But, he was thrilled to unveil the pièce de résistance, a gorgeous bird bath which I absolutely love and has been lovingly placed outside our bedroom window:

For the last 10 years, my every birthday wish has been for a baby. In fact, we also have a “Wish” ornament where you write your wish on a slip of paper and put it inside the ornament, and the Christmas before I cycled with donated embryos, that was the wish I wished, too. So, when my birthday cupcake was placed in front of me this year, aglow with a solitary candle, my mind was free, for the first time in a decade, to wish a new wish. I prefaced my silent wish with my gratitude for the abundance in my life, from good friends to celebrate with, to my husband, and my already fulfilled wishes that are my sons. I felt greedy, like a thief, daring to wish for anything more. But what I wished for is what I am sure all mothers wish for for their family. I’ll leave it at that.

I have come to a place with this space where I don’t know what it will or should become. I must write as it is a cathartic outlet for me. And, while this started as a safe place for me to share my very dark feeling when I wasn’t sure if we’d even pursue having #2, let alone how, it has also been a place for me to share the pain of my estrangement from my family (none of which, save a quick post to my FB wall from my sister, acknowledged my birthday, even those I’m in good standing with), and the search for my birth parents. I’ve posted about my weight loss, something I need to begin again in earnest and I’ve also wrangled through the emotion of lost friendships here.

Speaking of friendships, I finally ended the one-sided one I had with K. Without going too far into the somewhat boring if climactic details, I spent about 8 hours over a 10 day period consoling and counseling her through the break-up with her boyfriend. Two days after one of these marathon conversations, she hosted a birthday party for her daughter who is in my son’s class. Not only was he not invited but she didn’t so much as mention it to me. I happened to notice all the cars at her house when I picked my son up from school on Friday and then she posted pictures on FB as the party unfolded. If you are thinking it was a girls-only party you’d be wrong. It was the straw. I emailed her that I’d been trying to cultivate a friendship with her for 5 years and I listed the very tangible ways that I had been a good friend to her but that her disregard for me and my son was unacceptable and hurtful and that she was no longer welcome at my party. She really has no clue how to be a friend. Regardless, it is done. Relief.

Back to this space. If the writing is just for me, I can continue chronicling my life here. But, things have evolved to include the dialogue I have with those who still follow along and comment and I hope that there is enough of substantive interest for that to continue. I would be a bit lost without it, frankly. Writing about infertility and one’s treatment is such a hook as those who are also in the throes or know someone who is have a place to commiserate and cheer on. There is an arc to the story from cycle to transfer to beta to u/s to hopeful live birth, each its own cliff hanger. In the absence of that, where water seeks its level, is the unfolding of the memoir of one’s life, in blog form, enough?

I don’t yet have an answer other than I will continue to share until its time not to. I am in pursuit of my birth father, I have 40# to lose (UGH!), I am in my late forties raising two very young boys, I have a marriage to work on, and a new career to figure out and start at some point. Maybe there will be kernels in there to keep you coming back.

18 comments to 47y2d

  • Wow, K really is a jerk! How stupid and thoughtless and just dumb! How could anyone do that to you and H??? What did she say when you told her what you thought of her? I can’t believe she dumped all her emotional baggage on you and then dissed you like that!!!
    As for your blog. I love your writing and your story and who you are. It seems like you need to write for your sanity and peace of mind and to work stuff out ( all very good reasons) and to tell your story too of course. SO I don’t doubt that you will continue to blog or write somewhere. And I will be tagging along. You will find a way to evolve the blog. I know it.

  • Hello from ICLW and happy birthday. I am sorry you had to ditch an unhelpful friend. Even though it can be a huge weight off your shoulders, sometimes it leaves a little grief behind. I am so glad you got your birthday wish and the donor embryo transfer worked. I am constantly amazed by the wonder of science, the generosity of those who donate and the strength of those who receive. I hope you continue to blog. The space is yours and will, hopefully, be filled with all your thoughts and feeling as your beautiful family grow.

  • Mel

    Happy birthday!

    Good for you for setting your foot down with K. I think the posting of party pictures on FB unless everyone in your feed is invited is a little strange. I mean, we tell our kids not to talk about their party in school, and then we go and put it on a social network?

  • Love the bird bath! Beautiful!

    Good for you for walking away from that friendship. It’s not an easy thing to do. But you deserve better.

    I hope you continue to share your story here- I only discovered your blog a few months back, and have really enjoyed catching up on your story. I think the very nature of blogs is that they evolve over time- we start them for one reason, and continue them for another. Just because we’re done battling IF, doesn’t mean we’re ‘done.’ We still have interesting lives to share, and I look forward to continuing to read about yours! :)

  • Here from ICLW, just wishing you a happy birthday and glad you seem to have gotten your wishes.

  • Hi from ICLW – wishing you a happy bday!!!

  • You sound so sad. You have a wonderful family. Don’t overlook that while looking for something (or someone!) you really think you should have. The biggest regret that I had was wasting time on someone who wasn’t going to be with me in the long run. Don’t make the same mistake.

  • Hi from ICLW! What a journey you have been on, and as a new discoverer of your blog, I hope that you keep writing when it calls to you.

  • hi from iclw! Happy belated birthday!

  • Hi there from ICLW! Happy Belated birthday! I love that your mind was free during the birthday wish, it makes me smile for you! Love your blog!

  • I landed here because of our commonality of embryo adoption, but I come back because I really enjoy your writing. Use this space however it suits you best. And good for you for standing up to K.

  • Hi from ICLW. I’m in my early 40’s and though when I am actively trying my blog does seem to center around fertility treatments I do blog about other things of interest to myself in-between. Thinking I’ll follow you to see where your life journey takes you next!

  • Happy Birthday!

    I very much hope that you’ll continue to use this space to chronicle your adventures. That’s what life is, right? Whether we feel it’s one at the time, or not, it’s always an adventure! I’ll be here following and rooting for you all the while!

  • Bridget

    I do not have a blog of my own…for many reasons. I do however completely enjoy reading each post you write. You are a terrific writer and constnatly keep me engaged. I related to you in your search for your birthparents, and find strength in your strength to conduct a search of my own. I selfishly would love for you to continue your story here. Thanks so much for what you have already given me.

  • happy birthday! gorgeous bird bath!

    dont forget that writing is for you! sometimes i get hung up on how many people read and comment on my posts. and then something pulls me back and reminds me that it is really about what I get out this the space, and what everyone else gets out of it is just icing on the cake! dont forget that!

  • Meg

    Writing is needed for you! Reading whatyou write is insightful for me. As a newly retired maternity nurse i am still interested in your thoughts and feelings both regarding your infertility journeyand your newly completed family. Please don’t stop.

  • Happy belated birthday! :)

    I’ve reached a similar place with my blog. I can’t write about some of the intimate things I would like to say because I’m no longer anonymous (and haven’t been for a while), my infertility journey is over (though I’m still advocating and enjoy writing about that), and I don’t feel called to write about my experiences with parenting. I’m not sure where that leaves me. But I remind myself that I don’t need to make an permanent choices about what to say or how often to write, because it’s my space. I hope people keep coming to check in on me, but if not, I will always still write for me. And I think that’s good enough.

    Hugs.

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