Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




If I am being honest, that is how much weight I need to lose. Essentially, I need to lose what I lost prior to getting pregnant. On the one hand, I’ve done it before so I know I can do it. On the other, I’m 47, 4 (almost 5!) months post partum and severely lacking the mental fortitude/motivation to do it.

I am so unhappy and uncomfortable at this weight. And, while I have returned to regular exercise, I KNOW that in order for me to actually lose weight, I need to re-vamp and rein in my eating. I found through doing WW the first time, that in order for me to even see a .5# weekly loss, I need to be consuming no more than 1,400 calories/day (and closer to 1,200 is better). And that’s with regular exercise. I wouldn’t be surprised if I am consuming 1,800-2,000 calories/day now.

It took me almost 4 years after the birth of my older son to finally be mentally ready to commit to and stick with a program. I erroneously thought that just having that success under my belt would make this attempt that much easier. No such luck. And, I keep trying to tell myself that at least I’m trying to get it in gear 4 months vs. 4 years later. But that alone does nothing to motivate me (in fact, I think it has the opposite affect, as in, “why the hurry?”).

And, oh, the negative self-talk and self flagellation. It is so un- and counterproductive but I can’t seem to quiet it. Every day I think that THIS will be the day that I stay on plan and finally start the journey of a thousand steps. And every day I sabotage myself and throw the plan out the window.

I don’t understand why something that I know to be good for me both in terms of how I feel and how I look takes such daily Herculean effort to start. Oh, to have been born naturally thin, with a completely different relationship to food.

Throughout my forties, I have been much more pragmatic and rarely give in to fad anything. I don’t ascribe to ‘cleanses’ or ‘detoxes’ as a rule (anyone else do the Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet?). However, I do think that I am addicted (and if not addicted then show a strong preference) to sugar and carbs and that both cause bloating and inflammation. I don’t think that a carb-free diet is sustainable over the long term, but I do think there is something to be said for weaning off and adding back.

So, it is with this in mind, that I am considering doing a 21 day cleanse that is being offered by the studio where I work out. It is called the “Body Bliss Detox” and is a comprehensive, supported program (meal plans, recipes, a road map of what to/not to eat, conference calls, a secret FB page, etc). While those that I know who have done it have largely stuck with its principles, it does seem extreme. In a nutshell: no dairy, no refined sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol, no gluten for 21 days. And, as hard as it sounds just typing it out, I know it is the way I should be eating (adding to that no red meat which I already do) anyway.

The cleanse is $97 and I’m not even sure what that includes. I’ve heard that women have lost anywhere from 8-15#. But, for me, it’s actually not the weight loss that I am after, it is the jump start to better eating; the dietary rehab if you will. Or, maybe I just need to re-join WW, start going to meetings, and let the weekly accountability of weighing-in do its trick.

The detox starts on June 3rd so I have a few days to make up my mind. In the absence of doing something extreme, I’m not sure where else I will find the kick in the pants I need.

If you have enjoyed the benefits of a cleanse or detox, please share (or, if the contrary is true, I’d like to hear that, too).

Something has got to give. Carrying around these extra pounds is literally weighing me down.

10 comments to 40#

  • There’s no doubt that each of the thoughts you have presented for the post. They may be quite begging and will absolutely get the job done. Still, your blogposts are very brief first off. Could you want prolong these folks a bit out of when? Thanks for a article.

  • I hope you’re able to find something that works for you. I’ve tried a few cleanses and even juicing to get my body chemistry in order and to shed a few pounds, but in the end nothing ended up working for me. I found that the cleanses were actually pretty rough on my body and the juicing made my have the most intense cravings. After each try i ended up gaining a few pounds or working that much harder to keep the weight off. Having PCOS doesn’t help much either though. Once my hormones get out of whack, there isn’t much i can do about my weight fluctuations. I wish you the best though and am looking forward to seeing how your journey goes!

    -Jenn, from ICLW

  • Good luck to you on your weight loss. it can be so hard to get motivated… just be careful with any of those diets, especially the 5:2 diet as ti can be very unhealthy. Maybe you could talk to your doctor about seeing a nutritionist?

  • After lots of dieting (counting calories, weighing food, hated it after 8 minths) and exercise (the exercise I love and would do regardless of weight loss) I wanted to try something that would allow me to save effort everyday on counting and weighing but allow weight loss or maintenance. I saw a PBS special on the 5:2 Fast Diet from a guy in the UK. Long story short- you fast (500 cal ) on each of 2 non-consecutive days, and eat whatever on the other 5 (not as MUCH as you want, mind you, but you’re not restricting yourself.) I did a 4 week experiment that just ended- partly to see if I could have the strength to do it. I lost 4 lbs overall and the fasting wasn’t that bad, especially since I knew the next day I could eat well. This seemed better than my usual diet of restricting ALL the time. You can google it for more info if you want. The PBS show is online too- you might find it a very interesting watch- and the health effects the guy sees in himself (blood sugar and cholesterol) were dramatic.

  • I could have written this, though I only have about 10lbs to go. That last 10 is tough! I’m running again after a four year hiatus, but I can’t get the diet under control. I, too, am a fan of My Fitness Pal, but the bottom line is that I’m NOT a fan of cutting calories. Period. Especially in the summer… ice cream, beer, BBQ… mmmmmm… Anyway… my point is, I totally understand what you’re going through. You know that cleaning up the diet and losing weight is good for you, but it’s so damned tough! Good luck with the cleanse- I’m not sure I could do it!

  • sarah b

    …late night snacking. I’ve never done a cleanse either but know people that swear by it. Good luck on your weight loss. I know you can do it, too!

  • sarah b

    I lost 20 lbs through myfitnesspal too, I agree it is very simple and sustainable. I am more of a savory carbs kinda gal, but find that eating a weight watchers treat at the end of the day curbs my

  • Mel

    I haven’t done the detox or the cleanse, so I can’t give any thoughts there. I went with My Fitness Pal (computer site and phone app) because it was free. And pretty easy. And it felt like a bank account — I had 1200 calories per day, and how was I going to spend them? I cut out all sugar for the first few months, but I’ve added back in chocolate milk at the end of the day as a treat. At least it has protein. I also stopped exercising back in October. I’ve maintained the 30 pound loss (it took me 8 years after having the twins to finally do something about it, so you are definitely one-up on me :-) with just the eating change. It now comes mindlessly since I’ve been doing it daily for over a year, but I still record everything I eat each day. In that way, it’s very sustainable. I’m eating the same things today as I was when I started.

    I also really like Skinnytaste recipes, especially to help with portion control. No weird ingredients or chemicals. Just simple recipes that are lower fat and calories and portioned “correctly.” I use that term in quotes because one portion is not always enough for me.

  • Right there with you. Exercise is happening, but I’m having a very hard time reminding (?) myself that that piece of tres leches cake I have my eye on is NOT actually good for me, nor will it make me feel good long-term.

    I have a naturally slim-to-skinny husband who eats like a teenager. Very very frustrating indeed. And yeah, I covet the hell out of his metabolism!

  • M

    I know Rachel from Long Distance Infertility did a cleanse like this, losing several (25?) pounds in 30-40 days twice to combat her insulin resistance. Now she keeps a kosher kitchen for religious reasons and I think hers was more restrictive than this, and she did seen to get bored with the limited food choices available, but it did help her so it might be worth it to discuss with her.

    I know extra weight can leave you just feeling blah. I need to do something about the extra pounds from constant cycling and meds myself – it’s hard to find the energy but this is an inspiration for me. Thanks!

Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>