Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Missing Him

I am just going to have to let myself cry, and cry, and cry. I have tried to stop, redirect, distract myself and I cannot. I am not sure when I became this woman, but I am sure it was around the time of my older son’s birth, but I actually think the seeds were planted much, much earlier. I identify with and my identity is that of a mother. Motherhood, long delayed and hard fought as it was, is the blood that pumps though my veins now. I don’t think I realized the degree to which I’d become one with it and it with me until now.

My husband and older son left for the airport this morning at 6:30. We did not have the kind of night I had hoped to last night. There was too much to do, and the anticipation of the trip put my older son in a mood which put us at odds. I did give both boys a bath together, which was fun for all, but there was an underlying anxiety, my own, not theirs, of the impending trip. My son, who dug his heels in and would not pick up his room ended up going to bed early, in tears. And, even though all was right when he left this morning, the negative energy from last night hangs in the air of this now almost empty house.

For the most part, I do not live my life in fear. I live each day as its own and with the expectation that there will be another day to follow. Except for my own inordinate fear of flying, no thing actually scares me. No thing except being physically apart from my kids and the fear that harm will come to them. A

As debasing as it is to admit, I have been crying straight since they left 6 1/2 hours ago. I can’t go into his room, or his bathroom, or see his shoes kicked haphazardly off by the front door, or his crane truck left abandoned in the backyard without sobbing. Thankfully, Baby G napped for 2 1/2 hours so I could cry without alarming him and his is napping again now. It occurred to me that he has never seen me cry, hence his amusement at it.

Fear. I am wracked with fear and it has its illogical and extreme grip on my thoughts and feelings. It is the physical aspect of not seeing him today, or tomorrow, or Saturday, or Sunday, or most of Monday. It is the emotional aspect of never having been apart from him or he from me for this long as well as the thought that I am not there to experience this experience with him. And it is the deep worry that without me something bad will happen to him.

I will never stand in my children’s way of doing the things that make them happy, bring them joy, challenge them. But that doesn’t mean that I am not acutely aware of the passage of time, of them needing me less at the exact time that I need them more, of feeling lost when I am not about the business of mothering them.

Although I am not prone to panic attacks, I can tell you that this whole day has been one. Sometimes I think I am going to throw up, other times my legs or arms shake restlessly, other times I let out a muted wail. I am not sure, yet, why their departure is affecting me like this. I mean, it is just a wedding. It is just four nights and five days. It is just one in a series of experiences that he will have without me.

I should not be feeling this way. Other mothers have the real pain of seeing their child very ill or worse. Mine has just gone on a trip, but I feel his goneness as the strings of my heart being pulled taut the farther he is from me.

Moreover, though, I am alone now, without familial conversation or interaction or duty or busyness, save caring for Baby G. And, Oh My God, I am so thankful to have him, to have the distraction of him. I forced myself to go out to run one errand just now, to get dog food. By the time we got back, I scarfed down some lunch, put baby down and came back to my laptop to write. Maybe I will cry myself into needing a nap, too.

I am that woman, that doesn’t know how to be alone, apart from her child. This reaction has both startled and frightened me, that I somehow let my identity get tied up in being a mother to the exclusion of all else. Now, without my big boy to care for, I want to hole up in this house with my loneliness and fear and tick off the hours until he comes home.

5 comments to Missing Him

  • Huge hugs. I had a similar experience when we left K over the weekend, where I could not stop getting emotional. I think it’s pretty normal to react this way when we leave our babies for the first time (no matter their age). I hope this time flies by.

  • Oi. This sounds awful (and eerily familiar. Not that I’m there, but I have no trouble imagining it’s pretty much exactly how I’ll react the first time I’m away from him for any length of time.) Get through it however you need to. Thinking of you this hard week!

  • Jen

    Oh damn, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, this is really hard. I wish I had some words of wisdom or insight, I don’t. But I hope that there is something that will you bring you some relief. My husband travels a lot for work during the week and I miss him terribly but I try to enjoy sleeping in the middle of the bed and eating cereal for dinner. Perhaps those types of little “freedoms” will help you a tiny bit. Hang in there and treat yourself well. I will be thinking of you.

  • Sarah B

    I spent my first week away from my six year old recently, and it was TOUGH. It is amazing how profoundly parenthood changes us. Go ahead, cry, feel those feelings, but also enjoy your alone time with baby and yourself as much as you can. For now, anyways, those are also fleeting moments. At least, that’s what I tell myself…

  • M

    Honey, it’s always this hard the first time you’re away from them, no matter the cause or circumstances, when you realize that your child, your heart, as you so aptly put it, is away from you, beyond your control, and you have the added anxiety of (potentially) dangerous environs and unfamiliar territory, plus PP emotions. You are doing the best you can, and crying is watering the soul for flowers so I hope you will find your peace and know that we’re here for you, all through the journey.

    Hugs and thoughts…

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