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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Thanks in large part to the comments here and to two well timed visits from local friends, I made it through the five days without my husband and older son. It was far rougher than I thought it would be which is part of the reason I reacted so strongly. In addition to having no help with baby (which, other than the sleep issues, was no big deal), I completely underestimated how much I’d miss my older son. It has been a LONG time, probably going back 14 years to when my husband and I were cross-country dating, since I’ve missed anyone (I have two friends that moved away during our friendship, one to Chicago and the other to Philadelphia, who I also miss, but not in quite the same way) fiercely.

My husband and I are still tenuous. We have not been getting along well for a couple of months. I can trace it back to when I started BCPs but it probably started a bit before that. A lot has to do with the cumulative affect of sleep deprivation. And, while I am no longer deprived in the way I was in the early months of Baby G’s life, it has still been a year and a half (at least) since I have gotten adequate, consecutive sleep. And, my husband isn’t doing enough anything to really help. I’m harboring some resentment around this because my birthday weekend and Mother’s Day were back to back and he could have at least offered to let me sleep through on one of those occasions. Yes, I could have asked, but that is not the same. We’ve been together 14 years, he could have made the offer.

Overall, my mood is poor. I can’t fully know how much is due to the BCPs unless I go off of them. I started them on 5/8/13, bled to some degree or other through 5/28/13, had a couple of days break from bleeding, but started spotting again on 5/31 and am full on bleeding again as of this morning. We dropped to a lower dose estrogen pill and my OB said it might help with my mood but probably not with the bleeding and I guess she was right. I’m taking it continuously for at least 3 more months to see what affect it has on both my mood and the bleeding. Ugh, this is NO fun. And, if things don’t improve, then what?

I think that marriage is an ebb and flow with peaks and valleys and we are in a valley right now. It is very hard with a wee one and a somewhat demanding older child to both focus on each other and on our goals for our marriage. And, beyond that, I am in a state of flux with my own life which leaves me feeling vulnerable and raw. I love, love, love this baby and the family we’ve created. I love that summer is upon us and am looking forward to a good one, filled with fun for my older son and firsts for Baby G. Spring/Summer/Early Fall (in So CA) are my absolute favorite times of year. The sunshine alone will help my mood immeasurably. But, I also feel off balance mostly because I do not have a clue what I will do for work when it comes time for me to return. Since I’d planned to be home with Baby G for a year, I’m not sure why I let this weigh on me so, but I am a planner without a plan.

I could use a few therapy sessions but I just don’t want to go. That is usually not how I feel about therapy. Maybe I don’t have the energy to do the work, maybe I feel like mine are high class problems to have and feel guilty about spending $$ to discuss them, maybe, maybe, maybe. I just know that whatever the reason, I don’t feel like talking about any of it right now and I’m not going to. Independently, my husband and I need to carve out some time to discuss the growing chasm between us and we will.

In other news, my mom told my uncle that I hate her. Now, why he told me this, I have no idea, and how he responded to her, I’m unsure, but my mom is juvenile, at least. Hate is not what I feel for her. It would sadden her to know that what I feel is ambivalence, which is, I think, worse than hate. Hatred would mean that I care and I don’t.

However, even though she feels this way, when she saw pictures of my son/husband from the wedding on FB, it didn’t stop her from calling me and leaving a message along the lines of, ‘It’s your mom, I see that your boys are at the wedding and you must be so lonely. I would love to see, um, gosh, the baby, um, uh, well, hmmm, it’s been so long, oh Baby G, I’d forgotten his name, that I am happy to come over any time to keep you company’. She had to admit that she’d forgotten his name and it was painful to listen to her stammering for it. But beyond that, for her to have said the things she has said about me, my husband, my kids, and just call here as if I’d want to see her, or her me, even, is ludicrous. All my life I have known my mother was limited. And, she is.

Overnights, sans swaddle, are ROUGH. The minute we put him down in his crib after going through all manner of bedtime rituals, he rolls over onto his belly, plays around, but when he can’t roll back and because he hasn’t figured out that he can just sleep that way, he continues to dissolve into hysterical tears. We will eventually roll him back over, he rolls over again, back and forth over the course of an hour, until he finally falls asleep on his side. But, he always wakes with a start, and we’re in there again and eventually, after the 11PM feeding, we move him to the Rock n Play where he sleeps easier but still not great. And, because I now have to get up to go to his room, it takes me 30 mins – 1 hr to fall back to sleep. Maybe the transition out of the swaddle and into the crib at the same time he learned to roll back to front is all too much and we’d be better off just putting him down in the Rock n Play in his room and once he can roll front to back, try the crib again. And, maybe, after the 11PM feeding, we bring the Rock n Play into our room (it is way too light in our room when he goes to bed to do it from the start) so that I don’t have to run across the house. It feels like it is swapping one crutch for another, but, seriously, sleep is more important than another transition down the line.

I am so tired today that my tired is tired.

5 comments to Back

  • I am glad that your husband and older son our back and appreciate how much you missed your son and am sorry things are uncomfortable with your husband.Abiding with you and sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way! I echo the others about how difficult it is to function and maintain healthy adult relationships, especially with our significant others, when we are sleep deprived. I do hope and believe that most of the things you are struggling with will get better with time and more sleep.

    I also am a big fan of therapy, but get you not feeling it right now. I went in late 2006-early 2007 and then took a long break, probably in part because I had my blog (which is a form a therapy for me). But in late 2011/early 2012 I realized that it would be helpful for me to return. We were at a crossroads in our family building journey and I also had some loss and relationship issues that i needed to work through. We started out meeting weekly and now I go monthly for “tune ups” as my therapist refers to our meetings and I really get a lot out of the experience.

    As far as sleep issues, similar to Mari, we also did some CIO with our children, though we used Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth.

    Anyway, hang in there! These early months can be so wonderful and extremely challenging/draining at the same time. xoxo

  • I’m sorry. Sleep deprivation is the worst. I have two suggestions that helped me A LOT (and I was an insomniac at wit’s end, no exaggeration): ditch the OB for these types of issues and get a GP you like. My GP takes the sleep thing seriously, and she has helped me immensely. Second: I am a huge fan of Ferber/crying it out (assuming we are talking about a healthy infant). A couple of nights of stress for getting everyone through the night is a no brainer to me. Good luck!

  • Our marriage hit a valley when our daughter was born as well. She was unwell, and a poor sleeper, and I had severe PPD. It was a tough time. But we didn’t also have an older child and an unstable parent to contend with… it’s not surprising that you’re struggling. And like the previous commenter said- the effects of sleep deprivation will amplify every problem a thousand fold!

    I think chatting with your therapist would be helpful, but I totally get not wanting to go. I find that often, when I’m feeling the most overwhelmed, I want to avoid my therapist because the idea of really dealing with it all overwhelms me even more. It’s so tough to bust out of that mindset.

    Once again, I’m no help at all, but I will always be a sympathetic ear. Life is tough, and it can never hurt to just have someone to listen. Hugs…

  • Sounds like you are going through lots of challenges right now. You are smart to realize that most of your stress is based on lack of sleep and marriage is indeed a varied landscape. Hope typing it all out helped you process and come up with some sleep ideas for baby G. Sending hugs and restful vibes!

  • Sending hugs your way, and hope that EVERYTHING gets better!

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