Thanks in large part to the comments here and to two well timed visits from local friends, I made it through the five days without my husband and older son. It was far rougher than I thought it would be which is part of the reason I reacted so strongly. In addition to having no help with baby (which, other than the sleep issues, was no big deal), I completely underestimated how much I’d miss my older son. It has been a LONG time, probably going back 14 years to when my husband and I were cross-country dating, since I’ve missed anyone (I have two friends that moved away during our friendship, one to Chicago and the other to Philadelphia, who I also miss, but not in quite the same way) fiercely.
My husband and I are still tenuous. We have not been getting along well for a couple of months. I can trace it back to when I started BCPs but it probably started a bit before that. A lot has to do with the cumulative affect of sleep deprivation. And, while I am no longer deprived in the way I was in the early months of Baby G’s life, it has still been a year and a half (at least) since I have gotten adequate, consecutive sleep. And, my husband isn’t doing
enough anything to really help. I’m harboring some resentment around this because my birthday weekend and Mother’s Day were back to back and he could have at least offered to let me sleep through on one of those occasions. Yes, I could have asked, but that is not the same. We’ve been together 14 years, he could have made the offer.
Overall, my mood is poor. I can’t fully know how much is due to the BCPs unless I go off of them. I started them on 5/8/13, bled to some degree or other through 5/28/13, had a couple of days break from bleeding, but started spotting again on 5/31 and am full on bleeding again as of this morning. We dropped to a lower dose estrogen pill and my OB said it might help with my mood but probably not with the bleeding and I guess she was right. I’m taking it continuously for at least 3 more months to see what affect it has on both my mood and the bleeding. Ugh, this is NO fun. And, if things don’t improve, then what?
I think that marriage is an ebb and flow with peaks and valleys and we are in a valley right now. It is very hard with a wee one and a somewhat demanding older child to both focus on each other and on our goals for our marriage. And, beyond that, I am in a state of flux with my own life which leaves me feeling vulnerable and raw. I love, love, love this baby and the family we’ve created. I love that summer is upon us and am looking forward to a good one, filled with fun for my older son and firsts for Baby G. Spring/Summer/Early Fall (in So CA) are my absolute favorite times of year. The sunshine alone will help my mood immeasurably. But, I also feel off balance mostly because I do not have a clue what I will do for work when it comes time for me to return. Since I’d planned to be home with Baby G for a year, I’m not sure why I let this weigh on me so, but I am a planner without a plan.
I could use a few therapy sessions but I just don’t want to go. That is usually not how I feel about therapy. Maybe I don’t have the energy to do the work, maybe I feel like mine are high class problems to have and feel guilty about spending $$ to discuss them, maybe, maybe, maybe. I just know that whatever the reason, I don’t feel like talking about any of it right now and I’m not going to. Independently, my husband and I need to carve out some time to discuss the growing chasm between us and we will.
In other news, my mom told my uncle that I hate her. Now, why he told me this, I have no idea, and how he responded to her, I’m unsure, but my mom is juvenile, at least. Hate is not what I feel for her. It would sadden her to know that what I feel is ambivalence, which is, I think, worse than hate. Hatred would mean that I care and I don’t.
However, even though she feels this way, when she saw pictures of my son/husband from the wedding on FB, it didn’t stop her from calling me and leaving a message along the lines of, ‘It’s your mom, I see that your boys are at the wedding and you must be so lonely. I would love to see, um, gosh, the baby, um, uh, well, hmmm, it’s been so long, oh Baby G, I’d forgotten his name, that I am happy to come over any time to keep you company’. She had to admit that she’d forgotten his name and it was painful to listen to her stammering for it. But beyond that, for her to have said the things she has said about me, my husband, my kids, and just call here as if I’d want to see her, or her me, even, is ludicrous. All my life I have known my mother was limited. And, she is.
Overnights, sans swaddle, are ROUGH. The minute we put him down in his crib after going through all manner of bedtime rituals, he rolls over onto his belly, plays around, but when he can’t roll back and because he hasn’t figured out that he can just sleep that way, he continues to dissolve into hysterical tears. We will eventually roll him back over, he rolls over again, back and forth over the course of an hour, until he finally falls asleep on his side. But, he always wakes with a start, and we’re in there again and eventually, after the 11PM feeding, we move him to the Rock n Play where he sleeps easier but still not great. And, because I now have to get up to go to his room, it takes me 30 mins – 1 hr to fall back to sleep. Maybe the transition out of the swaddle and into the crib at the same time he learned to roll back to front is all too much and we’d be better off just putting him down in the Rock n Play in his room and once he can roll front to back, try the crib again. And, maybe, after the 11PM feeding, we bring the Rock n Play into our room (it is way too light in our room when he goes to bed to do it from the start) so that I don’t have to run across the house. It feels like it is swapping one crutch for another, but, seriously, sleep is more important than another transition down the line.
I am so tired today that my tired is tired.