Thank you so much for your care and concern regarding my post yesterday. Thank you, too, for sharing your personal experiences with your relationships and with depression.
I did send an email to my internist and have yet to get a response (which is unusual). I also sent an email to my therapist and included the email to my doctor and a link to the blog post. She responded (even though I think she is on vacation) and offered to see me next week upon her return (it is just so hard for me to get into lengthy appointments with the baby and so little help). She also gave me a referral to a local psychiatrist who specializes in women’s issues, specifically infertility, pregnancy after infertility, post partum, menopause, and depression. I reached out to the doctor and the first step is to have a phone consultation which I am trying to arrange for tomorrow morning.
It is hard for me to believe that I may be clinically depressed or even be suffering from post partum depression, but my gut tells me that I am chemically imbalanced on some level. It seems, just from the cursory Internet research I did yesterday, that there is no clear-cut way to determine the deficiency especially if it is with a neurotransmitter like serotonin or dopamine. Regardless, I’ll leave diagnosis up to a professional.
Also, when my husband didn’t come home for lunch and then dropped our son home from camp without coming in, I knew he was still angry from our morning’s exchange. I sent him an email basically telling him that I’m not well, that it’s all I can do to care for the children, and I chronicled some of my other symptoms. He was QUITE relieved. We have work to do, to be sure, but only after the fog that I am in lifts through whatever mechanism that may be.
It is very difficult for me to reconcile how I feel and have been feeling with who I know myself to be, but try as I might, I can’t effect any significant change through self-talk. Of course, it is logical and even plausible that given all things converging upon me–perimenopause, post partum, parenting two children, sleep deprivation, marital discord, parental estrangement, career/return-to-work uncertainty–that I may very well be depressed, it’s just foreign to me.
Help, I’m hoping, is on the way.