Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"




I can’t recall a time where there was something I knew I needed that I didn’t want to do more than I don’t want to see a psychiatrist. Yes, I spoke with her and I can see why my therapist recommended her. We jived, just like I did with my therapist. Still, I just don’t want to go through this process. In fact, I fucking hate that I’m in a place where I need to.

I feel like I’ve spent so much time and money and emotional energy on fixing myself and it just feels like ‘here I go again’. The consultation, scheduled for next week, is 90 minutes and $450! I just hate having to spend that much money on myself, on this. It was bad enough that infertility treatments sucked our savings dry and now this? I dislike, immensely, having to spend the money trying to care for myself. I know how that sounds but it’s the truth.

I don’t like the high maintenance costs of being me. Yes, I get that I’m 8 months in to whatever ‘this’ is, maybe longer, and that I can’t go on like this ad infinitum, but this goes against my grain.

It’s stressful because I don’t know what I am going to do for work or when so I know that this will be coming out of savings, along with other unplanned expenses. So, it adds insult to injury at a time where I’m, I don’t know, fragile.


14 comments to Ugh

  • You are not spending money on yourself, you are investing in your future, your husband, your marriage, the values you instill in and the lessons you teach your children, this is much more than just yourself. It is all related. It is not just about you anymore, and it hasn’t been like that for years. You are half of a couple and a mother.
    I am trying to give you a pep talk here, not to shame or guilt trip you.
    Take care of yourself, dear. You are so hard on yourself, so, so hard… You shouldn’t, because you are such a nice person.

  • I find it difficult to spend money on myself too, but you need to do this. You are worth every penny and more. I’m glad you made the call.

  • Sarah

    I just caught up. Ugh indeed. I was never more of a mess, as was my marriage in the first year of my kids life. I’m glad you are seeing s specialist in your issues–you have been through so much, from the moment of your own conception, that of course you are falling apart a bit. But when the clouds part, and you aren’t in such numbness and turmoil, your rich and varied history will again be something that has formed you I good ways, not just broken you. ((((((hugs))))))

  • I fully, fully sympathesize with your qualms here as I hate spending money on myself. I feel this way, too, a lot: I have been an expensive wife (infertility, and being a SAHM) in a family of Vikings who never have any expensive problems of any kind (and in some cases, who joined our family with a coffer of enormous funds.) But I have value that the Vikings do not: I am empathetic, caring, kind. And you have tremendous value as well: I have been reading every entry tonight in your amazing blog as if I were a dying person in a desert: each word I read by you makes me feel less alone. Your health is an investment that is precious to so many. And your health is worth every penny.

  • “the high maintenance costs of being me” That is so brilliantly phrased. I’m sorry about your rough time, and doubly sorry your health insurance won’t pony up for mental health. How sad.

  • It’s worth every penny if it helps you get to a better place, and saves your marriage. And if those aren’t reasons enough to spend those $’s, think of your kids. It is so hard to be the best mommy you can be in a depressed state. No- scratch that- it’s IMPOSSIBLE to be the best mommy you can be in a depressed state. It’s totally worth the fight. Thinking of you…

    • Good job on the video. I am a big fan of investing in multi family real estate. It’s much less volatile that other forms of real estate. The other big plus is people will always need to rent and developers don’t make apartment buildings anymore, because they make more money selling co;&7d#821ons. I also really like Saskatchewan farm land. It has been going up by 12% a year for the last 5 years and shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon.

  • Kate

    So glad you made the call, and SO understand your “ugh” reaction. I feel that every single week as we write the check to the marriage counselor. What I tell myself — every single week — is that the alternative would be much much more expensive from a purely practical/financial standpoint, and would also be really hard on the kids. I’m almost completely unable to take any time for myself these days, so I find myself doing “me” things “for the kids’ sake” when the healthy thing would be to be strong enough to do it for my own sake. It’s how I managed to convince myself to take a few hours for a massage last weekend. I couldn’t do it for myself, but I knew that the kids needed their mama to chill out a bit. So I went. And of course felt better, for a few brief hours.

  • claire

    Your time and health are worth way more than $450 – meaning to say that even though it seems like a lot of money, just think of how much you contribute to the household – let alone how much you are worth as a loving caring wonderful human being – you deserve every penny that you have to spend on this. So insurance won’t cover mental health treatment? that sucks! But yes I get that you don’t want to be here and you don’t want to be going down this road. But not to be all Pollyanna, but this could be an opportunity for you, your husband and your marriage ( once you have regained your strength of course) to chart a new course where you all get your needs met. There is so much to be said for chemical medicine and I don’t think there is a test to see what chemical you are missing: it’s often a case of trial and error ( yeah, I know it’s so tiresome) but the psychiatrist sounds really good and I really hope you leave her office with a sense of relief and maybe even hope that you can and you will feel better.
    I agree with all the previous posters that it’s mental health first, marriage work second. It sounds like you let your husband know you are suffering and need some time and consideration. Maybe keep re-iterating that when you get a bit of strength. If you feel indecisive or blah it’s another symptom of depression and you should postpone decisions til you are well on your way to recovery. I am really impressed that you managed to buy that car feeling the way you do!
    As for your husband kind of just going along with the flow and letting you run the show, it’s my experience that the two kinds of personalities you have kind of attract each other in a funny kind of way. People like your husband like someone else to be in charge and people like you often DO like to be in charge but that gets old even for the biggest type A person and then you just want someone to take care of you and figure stuff out. Hope I am not speaking out of turn. I have an IRL friend who is very much like this and everyone loves being around her because she is in charge and has the best parties and the cooks the best meals and gets up at four am to do it, but really sometimes she just wants someeone else to take over.
    I think that once you have worked on the depression you will be able to work on the communication with your husband and other stuff. You deserve to hear loving caring words every day about yourself. And to believe them.
    Big hugs, my friend. Believe me I have been there with my marriage too and it’s a work in progress also, but I have the benefit of zoloft and therapy pushing me along. Works wonders. You are worth it!!!!! xoxoxox

  • Sarah B

    I’m with M: I think the benefits to you, your marriage and family will outweigh the costs of getting there. I am so relieved to hear you are reaching out for help and are engaging your husband in the process. Relationships are complicated and you ultimately need to do what is right for you, but I think that divorce is also such a tough road to travel for you and your family and should truly be a last resort. Take care of yourself and I hope you are able to draw some support from your freindships IRL and online…

  • M

    It will be a very small investment in your life and marriage with huge dividends. Thinking of you…

  • Ugh. I hate how expensive medical treatment can be, regardless of what it is. But I promise you that there is no price tag on happiness. You will be happy that you made the call. Continuing to send tons of love your way.

  • Shelby

    It takes so much courage to get there. And women, especially mothers, are so trained to neglect self care. I’m guilty of it, but I keep needing to remember that in order to be a good mom, self care is necessary. I bet if your kids needed this appointment you wouldn’t hesitate!
    I’ve been putting off seeing my GP for a referral to (in the very least) a counselor for a long while. In some ways, it feels like admitting defeat, like the actual act of seeking it out is the final period on this depression sentence. It’s mild-ish at the moment, but it’s on the verge of something bigger I think its almost as if admitting it makes it real. I understand your reservations.

  • Peg

    I so know how you feel. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d see a therapist or even try medicaiton. I’m really hoping this helps though. I’m really proud of you for making the first step and getting an appointment. Hang in there!

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