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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Down & Up

I’m mostly writing this to document how wild the ride with my affective state is. Yesterday was a down day as in down, down, down. I had good enough sleep the night before, woke up in a decent mood (which is easier on the days I know I’ll be working out), but struggled through my work-out with lackluster energy and, as I was driving home, felt my mood really souring. I had an endless loop of bad thoughts, mostly directed at my husband and, when I arrived home, the state of things reinforced how I was feeling. That the house was in disarray, even though the baby had been napping the entire time I was gone, set me off. I was on a downward spiral of piss and vinegar.

The crux of the issue yesterday was my deepening anger at having to pick up after a grown man. I totally get that men are wired differently and that they don’t see things through the lens of someone used to tidying up. With that in mind, I try to set the bar appropriately and mostly just don’t want to be living with Pig Pen. We have been together 14 years and my message to and requests of him have been consistent: survey the room as you are leaving it and put things back where they belong. And, when you see something that needs doing (for example the kitchen trash is overflowing or the diaper dekor is at the brim with diapers), do it.

As the day wore on I could barely talk to him, let alone nicely. I felt like I might explode in anger at him, which is just not how I usually behave. We do not have volatile arguments or yell at each other. Instead, I was snappish and clipped and behaving more like an insolent teen-ager, also, not my style. To his credit, he did NOT take the bait which both surprised and relieved me. By the end of the day, I had to get out of the house and took myself to Kohls at near 8 PM. I was in an “I am done” mood and was conjuring separate living arrangements.

I felt marginally better when I returned home, albeit it was late for me and I was tired. I bought my husband new underwear and ‘happy’ pants (you know, cotton sleepwear he could be seen getting the paper in) and I thought that the gesture alone must count for something which brought me some solace. I got another good night sleep last night and awoke in a completely different head space. The way I feel today is the me I know. I am happy and grateful and earnest and hopeful and optimistic and productive. I love my husband and my sons and our home and my life, and the natural beauty of where I live fills me with joy. I mean, how could it not when this was the view on my drive home from working out:

Beauty all around!

This is one of a handful of days over the last 9 months where I have felt like myself. I’m invigorated without being manic, I’m at ease even though my husband has to work all day (something that might otherwise set me off on a Sunday), I’m looking forward (instead of feeling stuck), and I mostly feel like everything is as it should be and damn am I grateful.

This mindset should be the rule and not the exception and it is with this stark contrast between yesterday and today that I’ll reach out to my PCP tomorrow and request to start medication. Is this what depression is really like?

8 comments to Down & Up

  • I came to visit after all your comments on my blog. Thanks. :) And yes, this is pretty much what I feel like, although not every day. Definitely worse when I’m not exercising, so I’m trying to figure out how to deal with that. And definitely why I am not thinking couples therapy is what I need. I’m thinking about Sarah’s comment mentioning chronic sleep deprivation. That rings true, too. I hope the meds help you! I am so glad you were able to identify the problem.

  • I’m sorry to be so late commenting here. I want you to know I am thinking of you and hoping you are able to feel like yourself again soon.

  • ana

    “I totally get that men are wired differently and that they don’t see things through the lens of someone used to tidying up”…I don’t know if I believe the “wired differently”. I know some men who are uber-neat and tidy, and some women that are super-messy. I DO agree with “someone used to tidying up”. It can be taught, but maybe it needs to be taught to BOYS and not MEN? I think women have been conditioned from childhood to be tidier and “boys will be boys”. We have seen our mothers/aunts/grandmothers cleaning cleaning cleaning. Its ingrained. I have two boys, like you, and they see both of us cleaning and hopefully will realize that its everyone’s job in the house.
    Sorry to derail your point, but this is something that bothers me, to simply write if off as biological differences (and the whole concept of “biological differences” affecting behavior has been used for centuries solely to keep women down….).
    What you described about ups and downs is exactly where I am right now, too.

  • Hugs to you. I hope your meeting w/ the PCP went well. My husband and I have been together for 17 years and married for almost 12 and I’m always surprised how differently we approach and perceive mess, dirt, etc.

  • I could have written this. Every, single word. Hugs, friend… I totally feel your pain.

  • Sarah

    Depression, peri menopause, and chronic sleep deprivation all feel like that.

  • Not really sure what it is about men and not seeing the mess around them – it used to make my blood boil with Sam but anymore, honestly, I’ve come to accept it. Reading “Bringing up Bebe” has helped me tremendously in this manner – there are some great insights into the the male/female relationship in that book, believe it or not! My husband can watch the trash pile up and up and just keep stuffing stuff in it without taking it out (to say nothing of his other slovenly habits) and it’s just…I just don’t…well, that’s where I am. I’ve learned to accept this is how he is, and love him anyway.
    But buying him clean underwear never hurts to calm me down.

  • Jen

    I’m sorry that you had such a down day yesterday. Yes, that is what depression feels like. When I was going through IF that is pretty much how I felt the entire time. I’m lucky I still have my husband.

    I’m so with you on the “just pick up after yourself thing” but after 6 years my husband has still not got the message. So instead I make him clean the bathroom really thoroughly once a week. Then when I’m taking out the trash….I think about him scrubbing the tub and toilet a chore I never have to do for the rest of of my life.

    Yes, you are lucky to live in such a beautiful area and I’m so happy today was a better day. I too go to Khols and buy my husband stuff when we fight. I heard once that purchasing something for a loved one when you are angry with them is a way of subconsciously making amends.

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