And so it begins, an attempt to improve my outlook on life. I picked up my prescription for generic Prozac today and feel like such a cliche: middle-aged, post-infertile, perimenopausal, SAHM mother of two young boys diagnosed with depression joins the Prozac nation. Yes, that’s me, rolling my eyes. However, I am trying to quiet the self-critical voice that’s telling me that I just need to suck things up, no one’s life is perfect or idyllic and that if I could just change my mindset, I wouldn’t need this medication. Yeah, if.
Nine months is a long time to know I don’t feel like myself. I miss my optimistic, joyful, happy, content self. I’ve had glimpses of her over the last month or so and coming off BCPs was absolutely the right call, but I won’t live my life mired in listlessness, irritability, and gloom. Why should I? To cognitively know I have a great life yet not be able to enjoy it, especially after the fire I’ve walked through to get here,
seems is cruel. It’s been bad enough for long enough that I can no longer minimize it or wish it into changing.
Thank goodness I’ve made it this long in life without the need for medication. I truly feel for those who have lived their lives through depression’s grip. But in our modern age of medications truly designed to balance one’s neurochemistry, there is no need to suffer through. But, gosh, it’s taken me 9 months to get to this place, of even having enough desire for things to be better to actually do something about it. And, I have access to quality medical care. Imagine if I didn’t?
Fall is by no means my favorite time of year (I am a Spring/Summer kind of gal, hence living in almost perpetually sunny So CA), but it is a beautiful time, even here where the seasons don’t have marked hand-offs, one to the next. Instead, the temperature comes down, there is an ever so slight breeze and the sky is crystal clear blue. The leaves will eventually go through the autumnal change and by January we will have rain (gosh, it rained 2 nights ago). We’ve never gone apple picking or to a pick-your-own pumpkin patch and I want to do that this year. In order to be engaged in my life and be able to makes plans and look forward to them, I have to be feeling better.
I’ve read that it can take at least 3 weeks to feel the benefit of the drug (if there is going to be one, if it’s the right dose or the right medication, even), so, we’ll see. It’s said that one should stay on it at least 6 months and up to a year and if things are stable one can taper off and see how they do. And, it could be a lifelong on again/off again relationship. But, on day one, I will try not to get ahead of myself.
With so many things to look forward to: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Baby G’s 1st birthday, the new year and with all of them being firsts for the baby, I am hoping I am feeling more like myself and better able to plan for and enjoy all of it. It would be such a shame to still be feeling this way.
Here’s to better days ahead, please.