Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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The adoption option

I feel like such a broken record (if even in my head and only on this blog). The gnawing question about what, if anything, to do in the direction of having a second child and sibling for T.

I went to my first adoption seminar in January, 2008. I am adopted and my husband is, too. Among prospective adoptive parents that makes us very unique and would potentially make us very attractive to a birth mother. And, it sort of balances out the fact that we have one biological child (it seems that ‘most’ birth mothers prefer their child to be the first). We were very gung ho to have another child. We talked about having two children before we got married (you know, back when we naively thought that love-making caused pregnancy which produced children. I know, silly us!), we talked about it while we were going through IVF (in the form of hoping to have frozen embryos to be used to produce said sibling. I know! Again, silly us!), we talked about it during my pregnancy, we talked about it after T was born, and we started trying again when he was but 5 months old. And we really tried! 5 own egg IVFs and one DE cycle to prove it. And when our DEFET was canceled in July of 2009, everything came to a grinding halt.

By that time, T was 28 months old. The emotional, financial, and physical rigors of what we’d undergone had taken a toll. I really thought that we just needed a break and in having a break to process the end of our attempts at me being pregnant, would decide to pursue adoption with renewed optimism and vigor. But, also, by then, I’d been back to work for more than a year and my husband had been a part-time stay at home dad for more than a year. We were raising a spirited, willful, stubborn, head-strong toddler boy. It was much harder than care-taking an infant. When I threw out comments about “when we have another” or “when we adopt” my husband began rolling his eyes, changing the subject, deflecting, practically scoffing at the idea. And, I thought he’d come around.

Our son is 37 months old today (one day, I know I will stop counting the months, but for now, humor me). I feared that if I stopped propelling us forward toward having another child the opportunity would pass us by and it seems that that’s the case. But, I wasn’t ready either. I couldn’t bring myself to write our profile. I couldn’t quite wrap my brain (or open my heart?) around the idea of entrusting our dream of having a sibling to a 20-something young woman in the hopes that once she’d selected us she’d “do the right thing” and hand her newborn over to us to raise.

And, I began to look at the upside to having one child. I began to buy into how easy it was becoming and how easy it would continue to be. We’d be able to give him the best of everything without having to sacrifice that much to do so. We’d be able to continue to somewhat have our independent lives, the ones we had prior to having a baby. We could do a lot, as a little family of three, and it would be relatively easy. Things are much more predictable now. We all get plenty of sleep (which, believe me, is high up there on the “need to have” list). Things are not that stressful. We wouldn’t necessarily need a bigger house. If one of us lost our job (ahem!) it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Etc., etc., furthermore, and on and on.

And I let the doubt creep in. The thought that maybe I wasn’t destined to have another child. That maybe I wasn’t meant to adopt. On the one hand, that seems ludicrous for me to even say. I was adopted. I’m living proof that the process works. So is my husband. Or maybe I don’t have the patience or energy to parent two young children. But, aside from the fact that my husband’s interest has waned, here’s the thing: in my life, I’m the picker not the pickee. It’s exactly why, when faced with the diminishing returns from my old eggs we made a hard left toward donor eggs over adoption. I was the picker. I decided which donor would bless us with her eggs. If I couldn’t manage a full genetic sibling, I got the next best thing AND the added bonus of being pregnant again.

And, to that end, maybe I let the optimism of my OB creep in. At my last annual appointment we got to talking about just how many of his older patients who were pregnant through IVF ended up getting pregnant naturally the next time around. How he was seeing someone who was pregnant naturally at 46! How, given my low FSH, low estrogen, open tubes, clear uterus, regular ovulation, propensity to be pregnant (let’s not forget I’ve been pregnant 7 times, 4 of them naturally!) it could happen. I’ll be 44 next month, people. How long can I delude myself?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and in its own way. I am a doer by nature but generally only when I feel that I have a clear cut path or goal. I believe that everything worth having is worth fighting for. I believe that the universe speaks in a whisper and if you don’t hear or heed or learn will eventually hit you with a brick. And, the trouble with this space I’m in? This no mans land? This limbo? I’m waiting for a sign, a signal, a revelation that it’s time to act (or conversely, that it’s absolutely time to NOT act). And, in the absence of that, there’s just inertia and the loud tick tocking of Father Time marching on.

3 comments to The adoption option

  • Tireegal

    What a great post! It sounds really really hard to know what to do, but I agree without the sign or momentum it’s hard to make that next step. Thinking of you:)

  • Here from LFCA. We have one bio son who is 6 1/2 and adopted our second son at birth (he is now 20 months). We debated for a short time using donor eggs and/or raising our son as an only child but to us, it just didn’t seem right. We really wanted to have another child (and we are currently pursuing another adoption to add a third) but more importantly, we wanted our son to have a sibling. Seeing our boys together is the best feeling in the world. Obviously this is a very personal decision and you need to do what’s right for you and your family. I wish you luck with whatever path you chose.

  • I hate that infertility makes these decisions even more complex. Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you the peace and happiness that you deserve. Hugs.

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