Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"



How It Went

I decided that I would arrive just late and leave early to the memorial.  Depending on how it went, we’d go, as a family, to the dinner following.  On my way there, I called my childhood friend and told her I needed a mantra.  (As an aside, I feel juvenile and not like the mature, 47 yr old woman that I am that I have to call a friend prior to an encounter with my estranged parents).  She quoted my recent FB status and said, “Don’t take the bait”, which was exactly the reminder I needed.

I ended up sitting two rows behind my parents and sister (who, because her MIL is visiting, came alone).  The service was lovely.  My three aunts (J’s surviving sisters) sang multiple hymns and their harmonies were beautiful.  What struck me most was that I was alone.  Alone in the pew at the back of the room, whilst my family and extended family were all seated together.  It just struck me, over and over, peripheral; I’m an outsider amongst my own family.

Only at the conclusion of the service did I catch my mom looking around, undoubtedly wondering if I was there.  I wanted to give love to my aunts, so I quickly made my way to the front.  They were all so glad I was there.  Too glad, really, as if they thought I wouldn’t come.  I hugged everyone and felt my mom’s eyes burning the back of my head.  She cut a wide swath around me, her eyes never lifting to meet mine; mine darting away just in time.  As I hustled my way out of the room, I gave my dad’s arm a squeeze and said hello, and I was out the doors, in my car, and out of the parking lot before anyone else came out.

We were the last ones to arrive at my aunt’s house for dinner, which worked out well.  My dad wasn’t there, for whatever reason.  I saw my mom and my sister, in another room and said hellos to those in my path.  My husband was carrying the baby who is such a magnet, so it took a long time to make our way through the house.  It was the first time in many months that people were seeing him, seeing us.

My mom and I never spoke or interacted directly.  She is so awkward around me, so unable to approach me yet always seeming to orbit me.   My sister, on the other hand, without the distraction of her husband and kids, was on me right away and throughout the night.    The running theme was that her kids asked about us daily (I haven’t seen her children since March and am truly unsure if they know who I am), pray for us nightly, and that we should get together.  She also made clear that her oldest son had made great verbal strides in kindergarten and cited a ‘verbalization’ test and his comparative scores.  I was happy for her, for him, but sad that she felt she need to tout his accomplishments as if something about him was the reason we’re all estranged.

My husband and I succeeded in avoiding any kind of confrontation.  The most bizarre exchange occurred when we were out back and put the baby on the grass.  My sister was yammering at us and I saw my mom watching us from inside.  She made her way out and directly toward Baby G, squatted down to him and kept saying, “where’s your mama?  Where’s your mama?  Crawl to your mama.”  It was odd since I was right there but, whatever.  I ended up walking away to find my older son and my husband told me that my mom then rubbed the baby’s back and said, “bless you, bless you, bless you” before getting up and walking away.

We left shortly after that.  Even though nothing actually happened, I was emotionally drained.  It is so hard for me to be around my mom and sister and just placate, deflect, humor.  Yet, that is what I am required to do to keep the peace and since having a real dialogue of any substance is futile I do just placate.  And, it’s nothing new, really.  In order to ‘fit’ in with my family growing up, I stifled myself and acquiesced so as not to cause problems.   And, then, as a teen, when I found my voice and rebelled it was tense all the time.  My parents, never having gotten to know me, didn’t know what to make of me.  They kept trying to get me to see things their way, get me to conform, get me to be less of myself because who I was (and open book, an emotional, sometimes bleeding heart, a deep well of unrequited feelings) ran contrary to who they thought I should be.

I fully expect to hear from one of them now, not that it matters other than it puts me a bit on edge.   With the holidays approaching, I’m on edge anyway.


4 comments to How It Went

  • Well done! I am sure it was emotionally draining alright. But now it’s gone. Done. In the past. I know how it feels to be calm and polite on the surface, and inside nothing but. Your mum’s comments were indeed weird, as Tireegal above says. But it’s not the first time, and I am sure not the weirdest. Water off duck’s back.
    Well done, again. And when I was telling my grandma about a similar ‘quarrel’ with my MIL, and how I felt, she told me that even at 85, she still has moments when she feels awkward and insecure and so much like a teenager, and I so would not have believed that, so there, proof and consolation that you’re not alone and that age has no influence on that feeling.

  • I admire you so much for going – for braving that situation. It sounds as if things went as well as they could have, considering the circumstances. Sending peace for the upcoming holiday season.

  • Tireegal

    I just lost my whole comment with a misplaced finger. Ggggrrrr.
    You did well! Of course you ask your friend for help and I bet she was glad to be if assistance.
    Your mother is so weird with her comments to baby G. Glad she kept her distance from you.
    The picture of you alone juxtaposed with them altogether is painful. I am sorry you are an outsider in your family. Not because yours is a family you can healthily be involved in but because I mourn the lack of a good and true family for you.
    You did good. I hope maybe with your therapists help you can figure out what you want out of these relationships ( or reaffirm that!) and do it your way as you look forward to the holidays.
    Big hugs, my brave brave friend!

  • It sounds like it went as well as could be expected. Though it had to be tough- being on edge for the entire day. I’m glad you went- I can’t imagine that you would ever regret going to show support to the family that you do get along with, but you may have regretted not going. Very brave of you.

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