In June, 2010, when my older son was just over 3 years old, I endeavored to lose 40# (I really needed to lose closer to 50, but set my sights on 40 which was more than I’d ever needed to lose in my life) by joining Weight Watchers for the first time. It took me well over a year to lose 46# and by January, 2012, after being on a plateau for a few months maintaining my loss, I quit WW and prepared to cycle again. By the time I got pregnant in May, 2012, I’d gained 5 lbs, which, after undergoing 2 FETs, wasn’t too bad.
Over the course of my pregnancy, I gained back almost all the weight I lost and I naively thought that once I delivered, over time, I’d return to my pre-pregnancy weight. Only, that’s not what happened at all. I weigh almost as much (5 pounds less) than I did when I started WW.
I’m a size 14 now and I cannot stand it another minute. I look and feel my best when I am a 10/12 which means I need to lose 40# to get there. What sealed my self-loathing was this image of my body as we prepared to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary Saturday night:
I do not want to return to WW. When the program changed mid-way through my first run, my weight loss slowed considerably. Even though I believe that their program is the best for losing and maintaining one’s weight loss, I do not want to spend $43/mo for a plan that I know I need to modify. What I learned during my first go round with WW was something I learned with every other attempt to lose weight in my life, I need to consume 1,200 calories/day and no more than 1,400 even a couple of days a week in order to lose .5-1.0#/week.
I believe that losing weight and then maintaining the loss requires a sustainable lifestyle change. That change, requires a committed mindset. At 47, perimenopausal and hypothyroid, I KNOW the deck is stacked against me and that even a .5# loss per week is going to be hard. But, I can’t keep doing what I am doing and expecting different results. By summer, 2014, I want to be a size 12. PERIOD.
I’m reading Bethenny Frankel’s book, Naturally Thin which is a very interesting read. She talks about “food noise” and how, especially as overweight women, our self worth and our mood is dependent on our almost hourly relationship with food. I’m good if I have an apple instead of a bag of Cheetos or I’m bad if I eat an entire brownie.
Just like infertility noise, the all consuming loop that comes along with cycling (when will my period start, how long til I can cycle again, what will my protocol be, what will we do differently, how many eggs will we get, how many will fertilize, how many will we transfer, on and on), food noise is consuming my thoughts and wrecking my life. As the chief meal preparer in our home, it is up to me what we eat and certainly what I eat in a given day. And, it’s not that I eat unhealthily, I just eat TOO MUCH.
I could go on and on beating myself up here about being at this weight AGAIN and how daunting it feels to need to lose it. Instead, I’m going to go back to reading her book and trying to get in the mindset of food is fuel for my body, I need to only eat when I’m hungry and make good choices, and not overeat (she has a tenet which says, taste everything but eat nothing, which I totally get), and I need to devise meal plans that support that goal. I also need accountability, which is the greatest aspect of WW, so I am going to chronicle my weekly weight fluctuations here, every Monday. I’m also going to begin using My Fitness Pal to track my calories.
I commented to a friend who had gastric bypass surgery that I wish there was something similar for folks that needed to lose less than 50#. What I’m jealous of that’s a result of the surgery, is that she isn’t hungry. Hunger fuels my overeating and sometimes poor choices. I want to be at a place where I’m not constantly thinking about food, either what I’ve just eaten or what I’m going to eat next or what I’m going to make for dinner or how I’m not going to eat anything after dinner. Noise. So.much.noise.
If you have tips or strategies or recipes you’d like to share, especially for easy weeknight meals, please do. I need the support that will be missing from not attending WW meetings.
Here’s the lightening up.