Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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The Time Has Come

In June, 2010, when my older son was just over 3 years old, I endeavored to lose 40# (I really needed to lose closer to 50, but set my sights on 40 which was more than I’d ever needed to lose in my life) by joining Weight Watchers for the first time. It took me well over a year to lose 46# and by January, 2012, after being on a plateau for a few months maintaining my loss, I quit WW and prepared to cycle again. By the time I got pregnant in May, 2012, I’d gained 5 lbs, which, after undergoing 2 FETs, wasn’t too bad.

Over the course of my pregnancy, I gained back almost all the weight I lost and I naively thought that once I delivered, over time, I’d return to my pre-pregnancy weight. Only, that’s not what happened at all. I weigh almost as much (5 pounds less) than I did when I started WW.

I’m a size 14 now and I cannot stand it another minute. I look and feel my best when I am a 10/12 which means I need to lose 40# to get there. What sealed my self-loathing was this image of my body as we prepared to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary Saturday night:

I do not want to return to WW. When the program changed mid-way through my first run, my weight loss slowed considerably. Even though I believe that their program is the best for losing and maintaining one’s weight loss, I do not want to spend $43/mo for a plan that I know I need to modify. What I learned during my first go round with WW was something I learned with every other attempt to lose weight in my life, I need to consume 1,200 calories/day and no more than 1,400 even a couple of days a week in order to lose .5-1.0#/week.

I believe that losing weight and then maintaining the loss requires a sustainable lifestyle change. That change, requires a committed mindset. At 47, perimenopausal and hypothyroid, I KNOW the deck is stacked against me and that even a .5# loss per week is going to be hard. But, I can’t keep doing what I am doing and expecting different results. By summer, 2014, I want to be a size 12. PERIOD.

I’m reading Bethenny Frankel’s book, Naturally Thin which is a very interesting read. She talks about “food noise” and how, especially as overweight women, our self worth and our mood is dependent on our almost hourly relationship with food. I’m good if I have an apple instead of a bag of Cheetos or I’m bad if I eat an entire brownie.

Just like infertility noise, the all consuming loop that comes along with cycling (when will my period start, how long til I can cycle again, what will my protocol be, what will we do differently, how many eggs will we get, how many will fertilize, how many will we transfer, on and on), food noise is consuming my thoughts and wrecking my life. As the chief meal preparer in our home, it is up to me what we eat and certainly what I eat in a given day. And, it’s not that I eat unhealthily, I just eat TOO MUCH.

I could go on and on beating myself up here about being at this weight AGAIN and how daunting it feels to need to lose it. Instead, I’m going to go back to reading her book and trying to get in the mindset of food is fuel for my body, I need to only eat when I’m hungry and make good choices, and not overeat (she has a tenet which says, taste everything but eat nothing, which I totally get), and I need to devise meal plans that support that goal. I also need accountability, which is the greatest aspect of WW, so I am going to chronicle my weekly weight fluctuations here, every Monday. I’m also going to begin using My Fitness Pal to track my calories.

I commented to a friend who had gastric bypass surgery that I wish there was something similar for folks that needed to lose less than 50#. What I’m jealous of that’s a result of the surgery, is that she isn’t hungry. Hunger fuels my overeating and sometimes poor choices. I want to be at a place where I’m not constantly thinking about food, either what I’ve just eaten or what I’m going to eat next or what I’m going to make for dinner or how I’m not going to eat anything after dinner. Noise. So.much.noise.

If you have tips or strategies or recipes you’d like to share, especially for easy weeknight meals, please do. I need the support that will be missing from not attending WW meetings.

Here’s the lightening up.

15 comments to The Time Has Come

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  • Yay for you! I declared war on my waistline last spring and lost ten pounds. I had a good run with food, but my metabolism slowed in my thirties and something had to change. I don’t believe in crash diets.
    I seriously intensified the strength and interval training parts of my workout, but I think the main thing is food. I used the My Fitness Pal app religiously for seven weeks or so. It’s eye opening to see calorie values. I cut out most bread, cut all crackers and similar, cut most dairy (I took milk in my coffee and had a yogurt here and there), dialed way back on wine, cut all sweets. You might call it very lite paleo. I had pasta twice a week (one of those things the whole family eats). I ate salads for lunch and eggs and fresh fruit for breakfast, and have kept those habits. I will say, I think it’s easier in spring/summer when everyone is into salads, grilled fish, cooking lighter fare.

  • Right there with ya! I will say, though, I still think you look beautiful and were rocking that dress. You have very good style, and I’d like to know where you get your clothes!

    I’ve lost 10 lbs so far in this return to WW, but I know from experience that things get much harder for me after this point — when the loss slows considerably and I get frustrated and want to ‘reward’ myself for the loss I already had by eating pie, etc.

    I could never relate to the ‘boredom’ eating and whatnot folks talk about in meetings. For me, it’s just about making crappy choices when I’m hungry. It’s easy, with kids, to put off eating until you’re crazy-ravenous, and then suddenly I feel ‘justified’ eating fries instead of, say, a nice healthy lentil soup. I think, too, that comfort-y foods give me a lot of emotional fulfillment that’s easy versus finding other ways to nurture myself.

    Anyway, best of luck to you! Definitely not easy, but it’s nice to finally be standing at a distance away from cycles and losses and cycles to come in the future, etc, and finally have the space for this.

  • Biz

    I lost my 70 pounds on WW back in 1999 – back then it was the fat/calorie/fiber content that had you figure out how many points something was. I kept that weight off for years until around 2008 when I was put on insulin – suddenly all the things I avoided I could now eat – I’d just give myself more insulin!

    I saw a picture of me in May of this year – on a boat and my stomach was so big – I didn’t realize how much weight I had actually gained – well I weighed 176! Gah!

    I started Insanity at night, planned my meals, ditched the wine during the week, and while it’s been five months and I’ve only lost 14 pounds, I went from a tight 14 (almost needing size 16!) and am now in a loose 12.

    I still enjoy pizza, wine, etc. but in moderation – take baby steps and you’ll get there! Hugs!

  • Been there

    Try Geneen Roth’s books (Breaking free from compulsive eating, etc.) I don’t think obsessing over every calorie is going to help you stop thinking about food all day (in fact, it will make it worse which is why most diets don’t have long term staying power).

  • Karen

    I have a ton of recipes. Will email you some of my favorites!

    Look up skinny ms – she has a blog and a FB page. Loved myfitnesspal too; keeping track of my eating was DATA for me, not just a way to be accountable. What I found, for me, is that I need to focus on protein and good fats; avocado and egg in a wrap, for example, lasts wayyyy longer than the carb equivalent pf the same number of calories.

    You will find something that works for you.

    xoxo

  • I’ve been there too – several times. I have a few thoughts / ideas:

    Have you considered a yeast overgrowth being the cause of your cravings and constant hunger? Try a “yeast free” diet for 4 weeks and see if it helps.

    If you reached lifetime status / goal weight you can go to weekly (or even more often) WW meetings and just officially weigh in once a month, paying the fee for being over your goal. I’ve done this before with good success.

    Lately I’ve had the most success on a gluten free, reduced dairy diet.

    Good luck!

  • Good for you! I have about 10lb to lose, and even that feels daunting at times. What is really daunting is breaking the bad habits- eating in the evening, eating junk food, and so on. Just be mindful as you start that it takes about three weeks to break a habit, and solidify a new one. So the first few weeks will be tough, and after that, it should get a little easier (though that should be close to the time when Christmas parties start happening, and that’s a whole new challenge!).

    I never deprive myself when dieting, but I do measure or weigh everything I eat, so that I have a 100% accurate representation of what I’m eating in MyFitnessPal. The very act of measuring things out, although time consuming, makes me think twice before putting anything in my mouth. Of course, you already know, focus on fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and low GI carbs like brown rice and whole grain breads. Portion controlled of course. And stay away from the artificial stuff- anything that says ‘0% fat’ or’ sugar free’ basically means ‘chemical shit storm’ and if anything, will impede weight loss.

    I’m right there with you on this- Last week, I decided I was tired of feeling like a bloated pig, and cut out all the junk food, and started being more mindful of my portion sizes. I’m already down 3lb, though I think most of that was just junk food bloating. Let’s do this together, OK? :)

  • Sarah B

    Good for you! Finding that motivating place to make a change is key, and it sounds like you are there.

    I LOVE My Fitness Pal; I agree the accountability of even keeping a food journal is really important. If it helps, we could “friend” each other on it, although I’m not really sure what that means – if I get to see how often you’re working out or what (FWIW, my username is sarahblossom).

    My best advice for meals is to try to get as much water and as much veggies (which are mostly made up of water) into your food for that “full” feeling. I personally need to have just a touch of fat in my food to feel like I’m food satisfied, but that can be done with low-calorie food too – just a spoonful of parmesan or feta on my pasta or light sour cream in my soup. So soups are great and even pasta and rice bowls, so long as you keep that carb to veggie ratio right (one cup of pasta/rice and as much steamed veggies as I want). I have been eating lots of sweet potatos lately piled with veggies and a little feta on top. For whatever reason, adding salsa and spice to my foods seems to trick me into thinking I’m eating more (my senses “experience” the food more maybe?)

    If you’re on pinterest, it is a great resource for lo-cal recipes. I think you already discovered Slender Kitchen (they have a meal plan service now!).

    Good luck. I’ll be cheering you along on this one. I know you can do it.

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