I miss writing here. I think about writing daily then the day escapes me as does the week and before I know it almost two weeks have gone by since my last post.
We had probably the best Thanksgiving ever this year. It was my two sets of aunts/uncles, my cousin and her husband and their son (who is 18 mos older than my older son) and us. The aunt that hosted is arguably the best cook in our family (and I come from a family of good cooks) and all components of the meal were delectable. Conversation was easy-breezy and there was NO drama. I cannot recall ever having a drama free holiday in my adult life so that is really saying something.
I don’t even know what my parents/sister did, but I imagine they did whatever it was together.
I’m over two weeks into the doubling of the dosage of Prozac I take. It is so hard to explain how I’m feeling but realistically euphoric comes to mind. It is not a manic state, but my mood is always good, there is always hope (even alongside the daily stressors of life) and I can’t recall the last time I raised my voice, snapped at my husband or older son, or that anything actually riled me. I am grateful to my core to have had my life and marriage saved by this medication. That is not an overstatement. With almost 3 months between me and my darkest of days, I can see quite clearly where I and we were headed. I feel like I have been spared a disastrous end.
Baby G will be one in 3 weeks. ONE! So, in addition to the general gearing up for Christmas (our tree will be delivered on Saturday which means that if it isn’t raining, we will decorate our house, both inside and out), I’m planning his first birthday party. I am hoping it will be a casual fete at our home with only a handful of close friends. I am unsure if I will even mention it to my family. It might just be easier not to but I can decide on Christmas Eve if I want to as the entire family has been invited to my aunt’s annual Christmas Eve party
Since writing this post, I am happy to report that I’ve lost 10#. It hasn’t been easy and I am hungry a lot of the time, but I am hell bent on losing this weight and regaining the leaner body I am more comfortable in. The accountability of tracking and weighing in weekly at Weight Watchers has been helpful, but the tactics it took me almost 18 months to learn the last time I endeavored to lose a significant amount of weight, I’m employing now. In addition to continuing to work-out consistently, I probably eat 50% less than I was eating. Given my age, thyroid condition, and perimenopausal state, it is what I have to do in order to see any loss. We no longer eat red meat due to my husband’s gout, I have no artifically sweetened anything (which means I’ve also maintained my break-up with Diet Coke), we eat a lot of ground turkey, fruits, vegetables, low-fat dairy, and whole grains. I try to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch most days which really helps and I don’t eat anything after dinner (which means that I usually go from 6 PM to 7AM without anything to eat/drink. This has been key). I’ve needed to retrain myself, but I am quite the concious eater without being obsessed about food.
The changes in my relationship to and with food have been dramatic. I can go into the grocery store hungry and not give in to temptation to scarf down a bag of Cheeto-s, have a candy bar to ‘hold me over’, or eat anything from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf or Starbucks (each of the grocery stores I frequent has one or the other in-store). I can go to Target, buy my older son a soft pretzel and not have any of it. I can go to the movies with my husband (or a friend, as I did both last weekend) and not have anything from the concession. I can go through the McDonald’s drive-thru to pick something up for my husband for lunch (he likes their grilled chicken wrap) or for my older son and not buy anything for myself in favor of making myself something at home. I can have lunch out with a friend, make a healthy choice and then eat only 1/2 of what I ordered.
Again, it is NOT easy but it is about choices and I am chosing new behaviors over old. I don’t feel deprived (I consumed an entire quadruple berry-peach pie, by myself, over a 5 day period last week (the pie was a gift) but chose to have it AS my meal instead of in addition TO my meal. I have real cream with my morning coffee and eat real peanut butter almost daily. We can go out for pizza by the slice and I will have one slice (instead of three). I enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner with a piece of pecan pie, weighed-in the following day and still managed a .8# loss.
What is most on my mind is what I am going to do for work and when. While I know what my professional talents are, I have no clue how I’m going to put them back to work.