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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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My Mother Hates Me

This is not the post I envisioned for what was otherwise a lovely Christmas holiday. My mother certainly ruined my Christmas eve but as I didn’t have to see her today and I hope not for many months, we had a great day.

And, while my husband said he thinks it is fear, not hate, the result is the same.

My mantra going into last nights festitivies was ‘stay about the fray’. It is a bit easier to do with a mobile infant and I managed to, for the most part. However, my mother couldn’t/wouldn’t even look at me, let alone be in the same room as me or acknowledge me even when I spoke directly to her. It was like repelling magnets, if I walked into the same room she was in, or crossed her path, she turned abruptly on her heel in the other direction.

For his part, my dad didn’t even attend.

I could write more, how it makes me feel, how it got under my skin and ruined my evening, so much so that I didn’t have a bite to eat or even see what was for dessert (usually many things I would sample), or get to watch my older son open his presents because I rathered be holed up in the front room alone with the baby than have to look at my mother’s perma-scowl.

Yes, I have my own family now and it is because of them that my life is full, complete, and loving. Even as a 47 year old woman who congitively understands that my parents are fucked up, it is still hard to bear the brunt of their fuckedupness. Knowing they view me as the evil doer who broke up our family is hard even if I know it is wholly untrue.

But, as I write this, catharsis is happening and my sights are shifting from my pity party to Baby G’s first birthday tomorrow. At this time last year, I was preparing for my planned c-section, savoring our last moments as a family of three, and being humbled by the depth of gratitude I had for the precious and long-loved gift that was about to join our family on the outside. What a difference a year makes:

8 comments to My Mother Hates Me

  • Sarah

    Hmmm, sounds par for the course with your mom, right? She doesn’t have much emotional capacity, so avoidance and fear were her only options. You didn’t break up the family, you stepped out of the lies–that means your in limbo, maybe with her, forever. But it is an authentic, hard one stance. Happy birthday baby G!

  • M

    Sending you hugs and acknowledging your intense strength. Happy birthday G!

  • Mel

    Oh hon, I’m so sorry that she not only behaved like that at Christmas but that you were there to see it. Have a wonderful birthday celebration today!

  • Claire

    Isn’t this the same mother who commented on a FB picture if yours the other day? How bizarre. I didn’t know you has to traverse this horrible tightrope at Christmas and I’m sorry you had to go through it. No matter what a horrible person she is and no matter how full of poison she is, she’s the one who should have nurtured and protected and encouraged you and that’s a loss. A huge one. And to be continually vilified as the one who broke up the family. That’s another huge loss.
    I’m so sorry you have to deal with this crap. You deserve so much better .

  • I sincerely hope baby G’s birthday celebration helped to ease the pain your mother has caused. Hugs to you, and Merry (belated) Christmas!

  • It’s one thing to know about someone’s FUedness in your brain, but it’s another to understand it in your heart. It’s just such unloving behavior on your part, especially because you are someone who knows how to love a child wholly.

    I am sending you my love, poor substitute though it is for hers.

    xoxo

  • I’m so sorry you had to endure that. You are a stronger woman than I could ever be in having attended. I am hoping that your gorgeous boy’s upcoming birthday is enough of a distraction and celebration to lend your heart some relief.

  • Hugs, dear! Words fail me, so i can only offer you big hugs.
    Those chunky bits wrapped in red are to die for! Absolutely gorgeous, they are.

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