Oh my goodness where is the time to write? I literally compose posts in my head in the wee hours of o:dawn thirty and never get the time to commit them to keyboard. I think of this space, how I never want or intend to abandon it, and then days turn into weeks (in fact, I started this post days ago and its been languishing on my desktop, beckoning me to finish it).
True, it is sometimes more motivating to write when one actually has something of import going on: preparing to cycle, cycling, waiting for results, having a baby, buying a house, getting a new job, battling illness, etc., but the rest of life happens in between.
I am begging the universe to spare me the stomach bug that has plagued the males in this house. It started with Baby G who got it on New Year’s Day, followed 24 hrs later by my older son (who got it much worse, throwing up 12 times in less than 10 hours and spiking a 103 degree fever, the highest in his young life thus far), followed 72 hours later by my husband getting it. I’ve done 26 loads of laundry, including washing our complete bedding (mattress pad & down comforter) 4 times in 4 days.
One of the posts in my head was about collapsing into bed at the end of every day. Even though the baby takes 2 naps a day and my older son is in school, I am always moving from about 5:30 AM – 8 PM. I do the morning routine and my husband does the bed time routine so by the time he is getting our older son to bed, I am changing into my PJs (on the nights where I actually do this PRIOR to falling to sleep) and getting into bed. If there’s something on DVR, I’ll attempt to watch it, usually fall asleep within 15 minutes, prior to my husband even making it out of our son’s room. I have a lot of energy during the day, so I am not dragging, but at whatever time I actually stop moving at night, I fall asleep within minutes.
I’ve adjusted to this lifestyle but I can’t say that I like it. But, getting enough sleep is paramount to being in a good, productive mood the next day, so I rarely, if ever, sacrifice it. I try to tell myself that such is the life of a 47 yr old perimenopausal woman with young kids. I wonder if that is really true? Could it be a side effect of the Prozac? At any rate, it is what it is and perhaps a sign of living the hell out of every day.
I had a routine mammogram a couple of days ago. As I was waiting to be called into the mammography room, I cried silent tears for the many women I’ve known who have fought through or died from breast cancer. In particular, I thought of a high school friend who lost her 20 yr battle last year, leaving behind a college bound daughter, of Lisa Adams who is in the throes of incurable metastatic breast cancer right now, and of my professional mentor and friend, DOM, who died at 42 from the disease, leaving behind two young daughters. My list goes on to include my grandmother, an aunt, a mom friend, younger than me. So.many.women.
In weight loss news, I am down 20# and 14.25″. I’m about half-way to where I’d like to be. My eating has been off this week (can you say donut for breakfast this morning?) because with everyone throwing up, I haven’t actually cooked a meal in over a week, so I’ve been noshing much more than I would normally. I fully expect the results to show up at weigh-in tomorrow. Oh well, back on track.
In family related news, I saw my father at one of my parents rental properties on new year’s eve day so I stopped by for a chat. I haven’t had a conversation of any sort with my father in almost a year. He wasn’t sure who I was as he didn’t recognize my car, but we had a nice chat. Baby G was with me, so I rolled down the back window so he could see him. He choked up at how big he is, how much time has passed. My father graduated from FSU who was playing in the BCS so when I got home after our visit, I bought him an FSU BCS Bound t-shirt and sent it to him from all of us as a belated birthday gift. He sent me a very nice email after receiving it. It just feels nice to have had a positive interaction with him. I want nothing to come from it, especially if it involves my mother, but I feel relieved that the air between my dad and I feels somewhat clear. At least there was no drama and I got to do something nice and unexpected for him.
I am very conflicted about what to do about work. I am doing some hourly contract work for my former employer (editing, which is second nature to me) and another former colleague reached out for help recruiting for a management level position (this could garner at $10K+ fee for me, if I procure the candidate she ends up hiring, so something I will attempt even if my heart really isn’t in it). But what am I going to do for REAL work? The truth is, I cannot imagine being away from Baby G. It’s not that I love being a SAHM. I just love being with him, being able to pick my older son up from school and being available to volunteer at his school, being here. But, I have been off of work almost 4 years. FOUR! And, financially, I need to do something that generates consistent additional income for our family before our savings is completely wiped out. But, what? I just don’t know. I want it to be part-time, from home. I need to be home at least another year. Yet, that seems like such a fantasy, such a luxury, reserved for others who don’t have such a high cost of living. If we could take advantage of public school and didn’t have to fork out of pocket for private, we could manage, but since we can’t, we can’t.
I have a deadline to submit the work I contracted to do so I best get back to it while baby is still asleep. I so miss the act of writing here, of engaging with the blogosphere. Hopefully I will be back soon.