Your many insightful responses to my last post have made me feel much more in control of finding my birth father than I once did. I guess I’d never scrutinized the non-identifying information such that I realized just how much information I have.
Writing that post, putting it out here, was so cathartic. I’ve suffered a lot feeling that my birth mother is controlling what I can and should be able to learn about my heritage, both on her family’s side and most certainly with regard to my birth father’s side. But, in the information age, I do know quite a lot about him and his family constitution to likely be able to find him. And, that has somewhat lessened the sense of urgency I was feeling prior to writing about it here, because with every year that passes, as my birth mother gets older, I worried that if she died, so to would any opportunity I had to find him.
I am going to need to move past the block I feel about initiating an actual search for him. All of my life, and I mean for as long as I can remember, I have felt like a daddy’s girl. And, not to my adoptive father(s) but to my image of this man whose genes so dominate how I look and possibly who I am. I don’t say that in an idealistic way, it is more primal than that. I have always felt, long before I got the non-identifying information, that I took after him. Finding my birth mother was but one piece in the puzzle of who I know myself to be and confirmed that, at least physically, I’m unlike her, and finding him will be like placing the piece that brings the image in the puzzle into focus.
I have never sought to have a relationship with either of my birth parents so I’m not hurt that my birth mother is emotionally stunted and not desirous of having a relationship with me. Nor, will be I hurt to learn that my birth father is dead or that any half-siblings I may find don’t want to know me either. For me, it has always been about information, filling in the gaps that make me me and so unlike my adoptive family. I actually think that had I not been so markedly different from them in how I view myself and my place in the world, the quest to find my genetic family wouldn’t be so burning.
This is probably going to sound so childish but a knight in shining armor for me would be the person who rides in with his identity. I have so many people willing to help me and likely better suited to for their knowledge of what is available to piece together who he and for the absence from the deep emotion connected with finding him.
I feel a degree of vulnerability that makes trying to find him myself daunting. It is really hard to explain the juxtaposition between how badly I want to know who he is/what his life story is and how paralyzed I feel to actually do the searching. I don’t know, there is something tied up in me finding him vs. someone else finding him for me. I think it is somewhat self-protective, although not because I am afraid of what I might find or even that I am so eager to find it. But to some degree I guess it is because it has been so important to me for so long and I’m weary from it, the desire, the quest.
Regardless, I am very relieved to finally believe that his identity doesn’t solely sit with my birth mother. Even if I can’t immediately put the pieces together, I now fully believe that I will find him without her help. There is a lot of power in that.
Thank you for your wisdom, insight, suggestions, and, most of all, your support.