My thoughts leading up to this post have created a complete paradigm shift in terms of how I view my weight loss, my body, my future. It is the first time in my life, and I mean going back to the first diet I remember being on before my confirmation in 7th grade, where I am not trying to lose weight by some arbitrary date or by some arbitrary amount. I can’t stop thinking about how revolutionary this really is for me. I have always, always, always (except when I was pregnant) been trying to lose weight/conscious of my weight/beating myself up over how I think I look/at war with food. To let that go both consciously and subconsciously, to just be in my body, to eat as healthy a diet as I’m capable, to push myself to fatigue when I work-out, all of it has made me feel lighter.
What I keep coming back to of late is, ‘what if I never lose another pound, can I be happy in my skin, as I am?’ and, while I am a work in progress as far as that goes, I have never ever ever given myself permission to even consider that. It is SO powerful.
Just thinking that I could get there, find contentment in the body I have, love myself unconditionally, is monumental. For a decade, infertility and thoughts surrounding if/when/how I was going to start then complete my family, ruled my waking consciousness. Once we had Baby G and even during my PPD, I remember being (and still am) relieved at not having to plot and plan and wish and dream any more. That alone freed up so much mental and emotional space. I thought that was revolutionary. But, I’ve carried my body image issues around for FOUR decades, and it makes my breath literally catch to think I am finding my way to freedom from that.
But, yes, what if I never lost another pound? What if I stayed this weight and in this size clothing and this is the me that I get to be? That I can love myself, like what I see in the mirror, and not pick apart every flaw every time I look at myself, beating myself up for the roundness of my face, the size of my upper arms, that my thighs have always touched? OH MY GAWD, it has been such a burden for so long, that my worth was tied to my weight or my perception of how I looked, but to have that lifted? It is Copernican. It feels like the slightest glimpse of how healthy normal weight women might see themselves (you know, if they haven’t been fucked up by some other socially imposed stereotype of how they are supposed to look and therefore feel about themselves).
I am really in awe of how earth shattering this is for me. And, while I am not quite there, yet, I see that that is where I am headed as I re-program my thought patterns. And, as this is happening, it makes everything health related (drinking more water, exercising, making better food choices) easier. Putting an end to my war with food is changing my life in the best possible ways.
I already feel like a better person, a better mother, a better friend. My absorption with my weight (and losing weight) has been such a huge distraction in my life. To finally have other things be as or more important to me and to be able to focus on those things, wow, just wow.
Our older son turned 7 (SEVEN!) last week and we got him a soccer net as one of his gifts. Just being outside running around with him while Baby G crawls/walks around in the grass is my version of heaven. Being a physical mother with my sons feeds my soul.
What if I never lose another pound? I will be better than fine. I will be the best and only me I know how to be. FREEDOM!