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Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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What If I Never Lose Another Pound?

My thoughts leading up to this post have created a complete paradigm shift in terms of how I view my weight loss, my body, my future. It is the first time in my life, and I mean going back to the first diet I remember being on before my confirmation in 7th grade, where I am not trying to lose weight by some arbitrary date or by some arbitrary amount. I can’t stop thinking about how revolutionary this really is for me. I have always, always, always (except when I was pregnant) been trying to lose weight/conscious of my weight/beating myself up over how I think I look/at war with food. To let that go both consciously and subconsciously, to just be in my body, to eat as healthy a diet as I’m capable, to push myself to fatigue when I work-out, all of it has made me feel lighter.

What I keep coming back to of late is, ‘what if I never lose another pound, can I be happy in my skin, as I am?’ and, while I am a work in progress as far as that goes, I have never ever ever given myself permission to even consider that. It is SO powerful.

Just thinking that I could get there, find contentment in the body I have, love myself unconditionally, is monumental. For a decade, infertility and thoughts surrounding if/when/how I was going to start then complete my family, ruled my waking consciousness. Once we had Baby G and even during my PPD, I remember being (and still am) relieved at not having to plot and plan and wish and dream any more. That alone freed up so much mental and emotional space. I thought that was revolutionary. But, I’ve carried my body image issues around for FOUR decades, and it makes my breath literally catch to think I am finding my way to freedom from that.

But, yes, what if I never lost another pound? What if I stayed this weight and in this size clothing and this is the me that I get to be? That I can love myself, like what I see in the mirror, and not pick apart every flaw every time I look at myself, beating myself up for the roundness of my face, the size of my upper arms, that my thighs have always touched? OH MY GAWD, it has been such a burden for so long, that my worth was tied to my weight or my perception of how I looked, but to have that lifted? It is Copernican. It feels like the slightest glimpse of how healthy normal weight women might see themselves (you know, if they haven’t been fucked up by some other socially imposed stereotype of how they are supposed to look and therefore feel about themselves).

I am really in awe of how earth shattering this is for me. And, while I am not quite there, yet, I see that that is where I am headed as I re-program my thought patterns. And, as this is happening, it makes everything health related (drinking more water, exercising, making better food choices) easier. Putting an end to my war with food is changing my life in the best possible ways.

I already feel like a better person, a better mother, a better friend. My absorption with my weight (and losing weight) has been such a huge distraction in my life. To finally have other things be as or more important to me and to be able to focus on those things, wow, just wow.

Our older son turned 7 (SEVEN!) last week and we got him a soccer net as one of his gifts. Just being outside running around with him while Baby G crawls/walks around in the grass is my version of heaven. Being a physical mother with my sons feeds my soul.

What if I never lose another pound? I will be better than fine. I will be the best and only me I know how to be. FREEDOM!

8 comments to What If I Never Lose Another Pound?

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  • I am so envious of this freedom you speak of. Sometimes I wonder about the time I have lost feeling so bad about my body, instead of appreciating what it can and does do. Of course, I’m sick now so I’m not feeling it today….

  • […] I still have my personal demons as I struggle to lose even one more pound (thinking that this post likely cursed me); and with the utter disappointment that there will be no meaningful relationships […]

  • Mel

    I love this internal question as well as the mindset it brings. Because once you release that and realize that yes, you will be happy, you can love yourself, it’s incredibly empowering.

  • Sarah

    I feel ya on leaving the we meetings. I had two wonderful leaders when I first went. Neither shamed or guilted. I remember gaining or plateauing or something and the sweet sweet girl just said “our bodies are complicated. Don’t get upset. Just do what you need to, it’s a journey.” then she and the other leader left and every one after that was unloading their shame on me “5 pound warning!!! Nearly got a lady doing the weighing a real talking to.
    Of course, you are talking more about your own realization than ww, but ww is a mixed bag.
    In college I went through a process with a few friends where we decided to help each other not shame ourselves about our bodies. It was awesome, and really helped me see that I made the most lasting changes to my life through self love rather than self hate. And then at 29, I was 20lbs beyond comfortable in my skin, and tried ww. It was such a struggle to maintain that self love stance in the face of a room full of shamers. Self love and discipline are different, deeply different than shame and punishment.

  • I am so not there yet. BUT: I hope to get there, to feel freedom and unconditional love of myself. Well, maybe not unconditional love, but maybe at least ACCEPTANCE. Right now there’s still fear. But I’m trying, which frankly, is hard to do, with the “socially imposed stereotype of how they are supposed to look and therefore feel about themselves.”

    Worth the battle, though. I’d LOVE to feel freedom from worrying about losing/gaining weight, to feel good about my body instead of picking it apart and critiquing.

    Anyway, love this post!

    xoxo

  • I have often asked myself this question. I have been working my a$$ off to get back in shape after all the health issues I had last year, yet I haven’t lost a pound (well, I gained 5 while on vacation, and lost that within a week of returning, but that doesn’t count). Am I happy? Sort of… But I often fall into the trap of comparing myself to other runners, and other women at the gym, and so on. If I can bust out of that habit, and look at myself objectively, I look pretty damned good, and I’m totally happy. But it’s so tough to stop comparing.

    Just this morning, I was in the shower at the gym, and overheard two women discussing their diets. Both are fitness competitors, and look amazing. But when I heard them discussing how they measure everything they eat, eating bland, boring foods, never just sitting down to enjoy a beer and some chicken wings, I was suddenly eternally grateful that I’m not them. I want to be fit and healthy, but enjoy good food and fun times with friends and family without all that guilt hanging over me. I hope I can hold on to that mentality.

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