pain management for arthritis

Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

Archives

Visitors

Mindful

Perfection

I have written about gratitude many times here. As I was driving the other day, Baby G in his car seat, looking at the beautiful mountains ahead of me through the warm, clear blue skies, I thought that the way I try to live my life, in conscious awareness for all that I have and all that I know, goes beyond gratitude. Yes, as an almost 48 year old woman who has survived the deaths of some of the most important people in my life (my brother, my Uncle J, my grandfather, my grandmother, and my female mentors S & D), I live the waking hours of my life with a mindfulness that is deeper than all the gratitude I feel. There is a consciousness that comes from both age, life experience, and wisdom, that necessitates that I live each day seeing, feeling and acknowledging the gift that is this life that I have.

And, save the death of my brother, my infertility and significant struggle to have children has informed this state of being the most. I now spend the awake hours of my days being present, not looking too far forward or back, because I am acutely aware that both the easy and the hard parts of my life’s journey have brought me to this place.

I am a fuller version of myself, not without struggle, stress, worry, and concern, but more equipped to know that I can weather the storms in life because I already have. And, I’ve lived the hell out of half my life with, universe willing, just as much road ahead of me.

My older son is on spring break this week and something magical is happening between him and Baby G–they are forming a sibling bond, one that I hope connects them their entire lives.  H has always said he loves his brother, but now that G is walking and climbing he is a much more interactive being.  As we came in from getting fro yo this afternoon, I had to pee so asked H to keep an eye on his brother.  I heard shrieks of joy and laughter from both of them, w H saying, “mom, I really love my baby brother!” and “we’re actually playing together, mom!” and, “mom, he loves me, too”.  The whole exchange just filled me up as does having both of them home with me all day for this week-long break.  It’s not without its challenges as G is still taking two naps/day, so trying to fit fun things in for H that we can all do takes some planning.  I still cannot believe that I am a mother of two rambunctious boys.  It catches me off guard to this day.

A mindful, well-intentioned life is what I feel I’m living.  I still have my personal demons as I struggle to lose even one more pound (thinking that this post likely cursed me); and with the utter disappointment that there will be no meaningful relationships with my family (even things with my uncle have deteriorated, if only because he is juvenile and completely unable to see what is before him); and stalemate I’ve come to with my birth mother where the identity of my birth father is concerned; and worry over finances and what I am going to do for work and when.  But, my worry is not overwhelming.  It has its place but I no longer let it stress me out.  I am far less actively stressed that I ever have been in my adult life.

I dreamed and hoped and thought I conjured what it would be like to be on the other side of the struggle to build our family, but that doesn’t approximate the reality of it. It’s harmonious and as it should be. And, even though there is the sometime sting that we won’t be having more children, I have come to accept that truth, that we won’t. It has been a long process, of course made somewhat easier by the arrival of Baby G. In a different, other life, would I want more children and endeavor to have them? Yes, I absolutely would. But now, I can finally exhale into family being instead of family building.

I feel so fortunate to have the wisdom and experience to not take this life for granted. Those seeds were sown thirty-seven years ago when I lost my brother and knew, in that instant, how fragile and fleeting life can be.  And, perhaps it is because his birthday is this week, that I am feeling acutely aware that there is no way to stop time. Oh, do I miss him, as a big brother and the uncle he would have been. So, to him I say, thank you brother for opening my eyes to how precious life is. And, happy birthday. May your spirit be forever at peace.

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way:
on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.
This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity,
and acceptance of present-moment reality.”
~Jon Kabat-Zinn

25 comments to Mindful

  • Hi there mates, pleasant article and pleasant arguments commented
    at this place, I am really enjoying by these.

  • I read this paragraph completely on the topic of the
    resemblance of latest and earlier technologies, it’s
    amazing article.

    • Is Agile architect an oxymoron? Bookmark on DeliciousDigg this postRecommend on Facebookshare via RedditShare with StslmberuTweet about itSubscribe to the comments on this post This entry was posted in Agile Architect. Bookmark the permalink. ← When architecture gets personal

  • Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Thank you, However I am having problems
    with your RSS. I don’t understand the reason why I can’t
    join it. Is there anybody having identical RSS issues? Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond?
    Thanks!!

  • Aw, this was a really good post. Finding the time and actual effort to create a
    great article… but what can I say… I hesitate a whole lot and don’t manage to get nearly
    anything done.

  • I got this website from my pal who informed me concerning this web site and at the moment this time I am visiting this
    web site and reading very informative articles at this time.

  • You keep the similar product name and kind but make use of the product in the alternative utilization place.
    A line extension is understood being a product inside
    same basic class with the similar basic end use as being the parent brand.
    They cover lengthy use (breath freshening, gingiva health insurance whiteness) and line
    extensions Kids toothpaste and sensitive teeth in paste, gel and
    in many cases drops at one point. Florence gave the earth modern currency in some on the most unbelievable buildings and also the contour on the Florin ever
    erected, such as the Basilica di Santa Croce, Giotto’s Campanile
    and Brunelleschi’s dome. The finest pieces are showcased by wonderful galleries like the Accademia and also the Uffizi from such household names as Leonardo, Donatello, and Botticelli.

  • If you would like to get much from this piece of writing then you have
    to apply such methods to your won weblog.

  • An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a co-worker who has been doing a little
    homework on this. And he in fact bought me lunch because I stumbled
    upon it for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanks for spending time to talk about this matter
    here on your blog.

  • Admiring the time and effort you put into your website and in depth information you present.
    It’s awesome to come across a blog every
    once in a while that isn’t the same out of date rehashed information. Wonderful read!
    I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  • Why visitors still make use of to read news papers when in this technological
    globe everything is available on net?

  • Hi! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after going through some of the articles I realized it’s new to me.
    Regardless, I’m definitely delighted I stumbled upon it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking
    back often!

  • fantastic put up, very informative. I ponder why the other experts of this sector don’t
    understand this. You must continue your writing. I am sure,
    you’ve a great readers’ base already!

  • I read this paragraph completely about the comparison of newest and
    previous technologies, it’s amazing article.

  • Do you mind if I quote a few of your posts as long as I provide credit and sources back to
    your website? My website is in the very same niche as yours and my
    users would definitely benefit from some of the information you
    present here. Please let me know if this alright with you.
    Regards!

  • I’ll right away take hold of your rss as I can not find your email subscription hyperlink or newsletter service.

    Do you have any? Kindly permit me know in order
    that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

  • When the Hack is connected finally together with
    your Swamp Attack hackClient you can set the amount of Coins andd
    Potiojs which you want to get!

    My webpage swamp Attack Hack iphone – http://www.chictopia.com,

  • Thhis Jetpack Joyride cheats app is obtainable onnly for
    a limited time, so will probably be wise tto speed up if you want to have it!

    My homepage Jetpack Joyride Hacked Apk 1.8.5

  • Thanks for some other great post. Where else may just anybody get that kind of info
    in such an ideal method of writing? I’ve a presentation next week, and I’m on the look for such
    info.

  • I am regular reader, how are you everybody? This
    article posted at this website is truly good.

  • How wonderful! I am very happy for you, it is so easy to lose sight of what we have. And watching siblings bond must be one of the most fascinating things ever.

  • ana

    Gorgeous. I’ve been thinking similar things lately, watching my two boys play together and enjoy each other…this is as it should be. Yes, the sting of not having another is still there, and probably always will be, but life today is a nice balm on all of that.

  • Peg

    lovely lovely post. Thinking of you as you remember your brother this week. This was also a great reminder to try to stay in the present and be mindful. Thanks!

  • Mel

    A really gorgeous post. It made me sigh with happiness. Sitting with you as you remember your brother this week.

  • Claire

    What a beautiful post. Especially poignant as you remember your brother and that he would have been a wonderful uncle and probably enough of a great relative to make up for all the other ones. I know what you mean about grateful though I’m not quite there yet in the peacefulness. But I was lying in bed this morning with an arm around each child, thinking , this is it! This is as good as it gets! And it felt pretty much like a mindful moment!

Leave a Reply

  

  

  

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>