Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Flurry of Activity

I didn’t mean to leave anyone hanging and I appreciate all the comments here and to me directly.   It has been a whirlwind 24 hours!  Yes, it was her.  She named my husband after his birth father.

We’ve exchanged a dozen or so emails with photos and details.  It turns out that my husband was a ‘sandwich’ child, with two older siblings and one younger.  This came as a surprise to him as it was something he hadn’t considered.  Of course, I think until we knew the story, it was also somewhat hurtful, as in, why did she keep them and not me?  I astutely indicated that for all we knew there were three baby daddies and, in fact, that was true.  My husband has two older siblings by her first marriage to an African American man.  They split, a couple years later she dated my husband’s birth father, got pregnant, and he wanted no part of being a father.  She agonized over trying to raise my husband and visited him numerous times while he was with a foster family hoping she could find a way to parent him.  When she was unable to do so, she relinquished him for placement.  She never had contact with his birth father after that and said that she has been unable to locate him.

After placing my husband, she eventually remarried again, and had another son.  So, her children are 53, 50, 45 (my husband), and 35.  That marriage lasted 10 years, they divorced and she raised her youngest son as a single mother.  He is married and has two children.

At my request, she not only sent me recent pictures of my husband’s half-siblings, but also of their children (there are 6 children, total, 4 are over age 20 belonging to her older children, and the youngest two are 6 and 4 belonging to her youngest son).

Of course, what’s important is how everyone is feeling, right?  She never thought she’d be found so it did come as a surprise to her although she’s not asked me how I found her.  Her children are aware of my husband’s existence, although I’m not sure how long they have known.  Her daughter knows that I contacted her and she has peppered her mom with questions re my husband that his birth mother admits she doesn’t have all the answers to, yet.  She is grateful to have been found, feels that knowing he was raised in a loving home makes her heart complete, and has been forthcoming in answering all my questions (including providing me with as much information as she remembers regarding his birth father, his name and birth date most importantly).

My husband, for his part, is interested but mostly ambivalent.  This is how he has always been surrounding looking for his birth family.  He has read every email, looked at every picture, and we’ve discussed the nuances.  He is mostly interested in his ancestry and any health/medical information that would pertain to him or our older son.

My husband called his mom today, who knew I’d been searching for his birth mother, and let her know that I’d made contact with her and shared everything we knew to that point.   She is supportive and relieved for my husband to have finally have information as to his family history.  She feels a great deal of gratitude to his birth mother for giving her the privilege of raising my husband as well as compassion for how hard every birthday, Christmas, and Mother’s Day for the last 45 years must have been for her not knowing what became of him.

As for me, other than having my own children and even more so than finding my own birth mother, this has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life.  Other than being uniquely skilled to be able to find her and then reach out to her, gathering all this information from her and providing information to her has required some delicacy.  I am much more excited than my husband is.  He commented that it was sad that I’m more excited than he is and ironic that he is ambivalent and she is forth coming where I am enthusiastic  to know my birth family and my birth mother is a brick wall.

It is quite something to be able to ask a question like, ‘what was his birth father’s name’ and have her answer me directly.  Or to ask her how long her parents lived, what their health was, and why they died and have her answer me.  It has renewed my interest in finding my birth father but now I also know just how daunting a task that is without so much as a name to go on.  And, if I am being honest and I’ve said this here before, I wish I had an advocate like me doing the hard work and acting as my liaison.

I am not sure where this will go (my husband is planning a trip to NY/NJ with our older son in the summer and, might he agree to meet her?  It’s hard to say.  The answer today would be a firm no, but in the coming weeks and months that might change.   It would be more likely to change if I were joining them on that trip, but even in discussing it with him this morning, he has no desire to trek across country on a plane with a toddler).

I intend to keep the email communication open.  I hope she can remember the answers to the other questions I have about his birth father that might aid in my search.  I expect that this heightened level of communication will die down, although I may also hear from his siblings and am considering how to reach out to his younger brother who his birth mother is somewhat estranged from.  My husband has no current desire for direct contact with anyone but is glad that I do.

It is all so very complicated and that doesn’t even include telling our older son about this extended genetic family at some point.

8 comments to Flurry of Activity

  • I amm truly happy to rᥱad this web site postrs whiϲh cοnsists of tons of useful facts,
    thanks for providіng such information.

  • Hopefully with the new reader I will not miss out on such big news!
    I hope this new relationship in your lives contributes to the balance we are all striving for afterall. She sounds like a nice person, whose life has been not easy.
    Hope you’re well.

  • It’s so hard for me to imagine your husband being uninterested in finding his birth mother. I’m glad he is willing to let you communicate with her, though, and I’m so glad she is interested in doing the same. And as the others said, it is ironic that your own birth mother does not want to communicate, when you are so interested in learning about her. I will be interested to hear where this new relationship goes.

  • ana

    Exactly what Mel said. I’m glad you are finding gratification in this, despite the challenges you are facing with your own birth family.

  • Wow! And yes, you do need an advocat for your self. It’s too much to undertake on your own. If your own birth mother had been as reachable and willing, your tenacity would have been enough. But she keeps repenting the wound of the initial abandonment, and that is more than you need to face on your own.
    Does your mil want to meet his birth mother?

  • Mel really did say it best. I’m so happy that a few more pieces of this puzzle have fallen I to place for you. :)

  • Claire

    Mel said it best ! I agree with what she said! And I hope you go to NJ as a family and toddler and travel can be done! We took Isobel to her grandma’s nursing home on the numerous occasions and it went well. Those places arent child friendly at all. You just have to make sure you spend plenty of time at parks and doing kid friendly activities. So my two cents. I’m
    So happy for you and Hubby and I hope that some day soon your own puzzle will be solved.

  • Mel

    That is really really complicated. And wonderful. And somewhat bittersweet in the face of your own search. But such a small relief to have this piece of the puzzle. I know it’s hard for your birth mother, but I wish she could hear how much of the puzzle of your lives you two have been able to reconstruct for your children (and yourselves), and if she could just give you what she knows about that remaining birth parent, that the whole puzzle could be complete for all the players. Even if they don’t want to look at the puzzle ever again once it’s constructed.

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