Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Some Things

I have a lot on my mind and sometimes the only way for me to find relief from ruminating is to come here, this safe place of mine, the one I see less and less of even though I need it more and more, and jot some things down. I am at peace yet have many things swirling around, balls in the air, so to speak.

  • Even though the pediatrician doesn’t believe that there is any cause for concern that G has no words, she still ordered a hearing test and speech therapy visit.  It is a half day appointment, one that I am reluctant to schedule since I don’t believe there is any cause for concern either.  He is very engaged, understands what’s being asked of him, and communicates non-verbally.  It’s another one of those “shoulds” as in I should probably have him tested but really see no reason to do so, yet.
  • Conversations with my RE/fertility clinic are on-going after I presented a concierge role for myself.  He doesn’t envision it as a full-time role and I think that has him stymied.  I need to actually write a job description, hours, logistics, salary, etc to see if that helps move the ball down the court.  In the meantime, I have a meeting set-up with the owner of a DE/surrogacy agency that does work with the clinic and who my RE thinks he could ‘share’ me with, so, we’ll see.
  • I am feeling like it might be helpful to have our older son meet with a pediatric behavioral psychologist.  He is still prone to frustration (which often results in him hitting himself and/or calling himself an idiot or a jerk, his reactions to being even the slightest bit hurt are catastrophic and way out of proportion, and he cannot moderate his reactions if things don’t go as he plans).   Perhaps it is a maturity thing, but if there are tools to help him help himself or even for us to help him, I am all for it.
  • My EMDR sessions are on-going.  It is fascinating to me all that the therapy has brought us surrounding the trauma of the accident that killed my brother and how it got stored maladaptively.  I can see that things are beginning to change in terms of my level of fear and also see how the therapy can work (not to make me a joyful flyer but to enable to actually get on a plane).
  • Because of how life works, I’m not going to BlogHer ’14.  I was SO excited when it was announced that the 10 yr anniversary conference would be in San Jose, but between things with my husband’s job, me trying to find a job, and how tight our finances are, we just can’t swing it.  Neither can we swing a trip to Legoland, but I am hoping we’ll get to Knott’s Berry Farm and to at least one local water park this summer.
  • I have been given the opportunity to apply to do a 10 week fitness challenge sponsored by Nautilus at a local gym.  It is for people who have between 10-40 pounds to lose, who are OK having their journey chronicled in front of cameras (still or video), where we must adhere to a specific diet (although I’m  not sure what that is) and agree to do 5 day/week personal training sessions for 10 weeks.  It is a $3,000 value.  I want to do it and feel I NEED to do it, but I feel tremendously vulnerable (as I have images of the way contestants on The Biggest Loser must feel at every weigh-in).  I know I have a compelling story and will probably get picked, but it is daunting to me to consider exposing myself in such a personal way.  But what a gift if I get selected.  To be 48, peri-menopausal, hypothyroid and on anti-depressants and be given the very real opportunity to change my life where eating and exercise is concerned?  The deadline for the application is July 11.  Tick-tock.
  • Still no new news on the birth parent front.  I have less time now that I’m with both kids for greater portions of each day and still trying to fit in working out and home cooking almost every meal, not to mention arranging some outings/play dates.
  • I think I am going to create a bucket list of sorts, things I want to do, make, learn, see, or achieve by the time I am 50 (which is a mere 22 months away!).  It is so easy when parenting young children to forget to invest in oneself in real and meaningful ways and even if the list is 50 by 50, that’s still 2.27 things per month (which is a LOT, if you ask me).  Best get to list making and thing doing.

It is hard to feel as patriotic as I usually do in light of the SCOTUS decision handed down in the Hobby Lobby case.  Between that and what will now be the ensuing erosion of rights given its precedent and the continued shooting of children in this country because we can’t effectively manage firearm ownership (this death by gun story of the day is weighing on me currently) has me wanting to bury my head in the sand more than it has me wanting to celebrate.

However you plan to spend this long holiday weekend, may your weather be good, the lines be short, the conversation be lively, the company be enriching, and the food and libations be plentiful.

1 comment to Some Things

  • Mel

    I like the idea of creating a bucket list. I haven’t because I often beat myself up about things I don’t get to on the regular to-do list, so if I had a bucket list and got to nothing on it? I think I would bash myself completely. But I like the idea of setting goals and actually working toward them.

    I’m sad I’m not going to San Jose either. Mostly because it would have given me a chance to meet you if I was in the area.

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