Thank you for your comments regarding birth control. One of the reasons I love this space so much is that those who are inclined to comment have the opportunity to change my life. Do you know that it never occurred to me that my husband could have a vasectomy? Never, in our 15 years together had we ever discussed it, even in passing. And, not for any good reason, it just never came up. So, I asked him if he would consider it, and of course he would, so he has a consult set up for the end of this month.
And, it can’t come soon enough because I began thinking that I might be pregnant. From some mid-cycle spotting (implantation bleeding I reasoned) to uterine cramping and twinges to the same sort of uterine heaviness I felt early on in my pregnancies, I was sure that I must be. I started to panic a bit (in the oh-my-gawd-this-cant-be-happening) kind of way. I had visions of posting a positive HPT here. I scoured our bathroom thinking there must be one HPT in this house. So, even though my period isn’t late yet, I did go out and buy a box of 3, the first of which is decidedly snow white. I am relieved, to say the least and now the pendulum has swung in the completely opposite direction where of course I’m not pregnant and how could I have even thought it. (We all know the cycle of “am I?” “no, I’m not” that comes with ART and in the 19 mos that G has been alive, I’ve never ever thought I was. How easy to fall back into old patterns.)
I didn’t report here that I had another bout of pericarditis. It came on suddenly (as in, I took a short afternoon nap and woke up with it) about a month ago. And, with it, I’d become a “case” of a different sort as pericarditis is rare enough in women but it’s even rarer that it would recur and rarer still that it would recur 3 mos after my last bout. There was much discussion and consultation, again, and this time with the head of cardiology. It is caused by a virus. My pericadium is vulnerable now. There isn’t anything to be done to prevent it, per se, except be vigilant in not coming down with viruses in the first place. However, we have come up with a better treatment plan should it recur again (and that is likely).
I had two lingering questions: 1-does the recurrence of this increase my risk for heart attack? No. And, 2-is there any reason to believe that this recurrent condition would affect my life expectancy? No. It was hard to have to think of such things as a vibrant 48 yr old woman and mother to two young children, but they wore heavy on me and had to be asked.
I had another break-through in EMDR therapy. We were discussing when, in considering flying now, do I begin to get anxious. And, just the thought of saying good-bye to my husband and kids (whether it be here at the house or at the airport) brought me to tears. So, we did some work around that and what I discovered was that my concern wasn’t that I was going to die on this trip it was that my husband was going to have to manage all facets of life at home with our two sons when I was gone and I was worried about that. Not that I don’t trust him or that he’s not an attentive father but that to this point he’s never been home alone with both boys, needing to manage their complete care for more than a 2-3 hr window, ever. And, all these hot car deaths had gotten into my psyche and I could see how easily he could become distracted and leave G in the car (or something equally disastrous). Once we’d identified the source of my anxiety, I knew that one way to alleviate it would be to make sure he has some help when I am gone. And, of course, I talked to him about it. Not in an accusatory way at all, but that it was feeding into my anxiety. He, of course, assured me that he wasn’t concerned about it in the least, but if making sure he had some help made me feel better, OK. One of the many reasons I love my husband (did I mention the vasectomy?)
I have therapy again this week, but I can honestly say, without any anxiety, that I am going to be able to make this trip in October, by myself, on a plane. I just know I am. I’m not there, yet, but I am closer than I have ever been. And, this is HUGE as this phobia has afflicted and shackled me for almost 3 decades! It has stymied many a trip and caused me unnecessary tears, hysterics, and histrionics. Other than pursuing all options for having a second child, this will be the biggest gift I’ve ever given myself. You.have.no.idea.
Finally, I am embarking on an entirely new eating life style. I can’t even recall how I came upon this plan, but I did. I was intrigued enough by stories of weight loss successes and improvements in overall health that I joined a FB group and lurked for a year. I didn’t want to actually buy the book or implement the plan because there is an underlying Christian component and nothing turns me off more than bible banging. Yet, I still read and lurked and wondered how the plan worked (and it did, for all manner of people, at all ages, with all sorts of underlying and chronic health conditions and it seemed a livable plan if I could only understand it which required me to buy a $35 , 610! page book, which I did, but not until after reaching out directly to one of the authors (sisters) to feel out whether a non-religious woman could embrace the plan and be embraced by the community. She wrote me back almost immediately and I was so touched by her response that I decided to go for it).
As this post is long enough as it is, I’ll link to the plan here and follow-up again as I continue to implement its practices. It is involved and includes a bit of food combining (not in the 1980s way) but I think the premise is spot on: eliminate refined sugar and simple carbohydrates, eat every three hours, have protein at every meal, and vary the fuel source, whether it be complex carbohydrates or fats but don’t eat protein/carbohydrates/and fats together and definitely not carbs/fats together alone, try not to spike your blood sugar as to keep insulin stable. There are dozens of recipes in the book and literally thousands on Pinterest and blogs along with meal plans.
I do find some irony in an atheist doing a Christian eating plan, but, that’s life.