Three months?! I think about this space a lot and committed to coming here. It has become a touchstone where current events and future desires are recorded. So much and nothing at all has happened in these three months. We are well and gratefully so.
I’ll cut to the biggest chase now, we met my husband’s birth mother. It all came together rather suddenly when she informed me she’d planned a trip to Las Vegas to visit her cousins that live there. She asked if we’d be able to meet her there as this was likely the closest she would get to CA. We decided to make the 4 hr drive with the boys, meet her, and spend a couple of days seeing the sights of the city. The meeting with her was easy, she is just as she presents on Facebook. She was noticeably and understandably nervous and she would tell me later that she just didn’t want to disappoint my husband. Prior to meeting her, we prepped our older son with how she fit into the puzzle of our family. At almost 9, he gets it. She hugged my husband for a long time as tears welled in her eyes. It was quite healing for them both…her to know that he was raised well and is a solid, happy man, and him to feel finally settled in the life he was raised in, questions answered about why.
Baby G, who will be THREE this weekend! decided this trip was the most opportune time to come down with his first bout of norovirus. He threw up for the first time in his life our first night there, and continued through the morning in the hotel. Rather than endure the unpleasantness of us all coming down with it while away from home, we decided to head home right away. We ended up spending 19 hours in Vegas but leaving early was the best possible decision as I was stricken with it almost as soon as we got home.
On another important front, in an effort to lose weight and after consulting with a metabolic endocrinologist, I decided to wean off the Prozac I’d been taking first to combat post-partum depression and then to control my perimenopausal hot-flashes. I was dealt some difficult truths during my consultation with her, mainly that I am genetically predisposed to holding on to excess weight, that given how much and how hard I work-out, the 1,200-1,400 calories I’d been consuming daily for the better part of a year had put my metabolism into a chronic state of starvation, and that I fell into the roughly 25% of the population for whom Prozac causes weight gain and the almost virtual impossibility of weight loss. In her estimation, a couple of things were going to have to change if I had any hope of shedding this weight: I needed to come off Prozac in favor of using low dose hormone replacement (estrogen and progesterone) to control my hot flashes and I needed to consume a diet high in protein (80-100g/day)/low in processed sugar/carbs and higher in overall calories. She told me that any chance I had at losing weight had to come before menopause as I am likely not going to be able to lose any significant weight post.
It took 2 menstrual cycles to add the hormone replacement and then one more month to wean off the prozac. I am ecstatic to report that I’ve not had one hot flash! And, I have been cleared to return to intermittent fasting (something my prior endocrinologist was against) and instead of 4:3 (four days of normal eating/3 days of fasting) like I did before, I’m going to attempt true ADF (alternate day fasting) with every other day being a fast day (500 calories). It takes some mental preparation as well as pantry/fridge prep to set myself up for success, so I’m not exactly sure when I will start, but soon, before the end of the year.
The bigger adjustment has been to my mental/emotional state. I underestimated the psychological benefits of being on a anti-depressant, so I am more moody, more snappish, more quick-tempered. I am at least aware that this is the case, magnified by perimenopause but somewhat tempered by the hormone replacement. PMS which had been non-existent for the last 2+ yrs, is back with a vengeance. I’m going to look into adding some supplements to stabilize my mood.
I did cut 12 inches of my hair off. It is now a short lob. I LOVE it and can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. Just recently, I cut it even shorter.
The boys are doing great. There is no shortage of joy, love, laughter, and gratitude in our home. We are gearing up for an epic Christmas and I am hosting Christmas breakfast for my entire family. We have been back in relationship with my parents for the better part of this year. It is arms (and heart’s) length, I have no expectations and (and have zero expectations) get a more peaceful/less stressful family dynamic with the extended family for the effort.
I am less than 5 months away from my 50th birthday. I have mixed emotions leaving my prolific 40s but am ready to embrace the next decade of my life. “Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”
~Louisa May Alcott
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes,
rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart,
hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being,
faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself,
patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson