I’ve recently found time to read through the almost 200 blog posts in my reader and it was SO nice to catch up with those I’ve followed for years even if I wasn’t always able to comment. This is still my safe place and even when I go months without posting (I failed miserably at #30 on my 50 before 50: blog weekly), I look forward to the act of writing here.
My 49th birthday last May started a kind of mindful awareness about my life and where I am in it like no other birthday before. Once I began working on my 50 before 50 it brought into focus areas of my life that wanted attention. The exercise alone was a good one and I encourage anyone who is feeling stuck or stagnant in their own lives to create one. It was always a living document, something that changed as either time or desires permitted and I feel very good about the ways in which I’ve attended to the list and my life. I will have accomplished at least 30 of the 50 (and given that some of them were a once/mo goal, I’ll take it).
And, now, here I am, on the eve of counting down the final 30 days of my 49th year and 4th decade of life. At my last birthday, I remember feeling a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of turning 50 in just a years time, yet, here I am and I must say I am thrilled to be approaching this mid-century of my life with such gusto and gratitude.
The boys are doing well. My older son recently turned 9. I see glimpses of the teenager and young man he is growing into. He is a star student, the favorite of his teacher and the new head of school. He has had a great year academically and maturationally. He is his father’s son, a mini-me who embraces his father’s genes wholeheartedly. G turned 3 in December and is a dream child. He is smart, funny, inquisitive, independent, sweet, loving and a mama’s boy. My life and heart are settled for having him.
In an effort to aid weight loss, I weaned off Prozac over the summer and began hormone replacement (to continue to manage my hot flashes). Within a few weeks, I began feeling the tell-tale signs of depression: sleepless, short-tempered, irritable, easily overwhelmed, snappish, unmotivated. I decided to soldier on to see if things would even out. The morning that I couldn’t stop crying, thought about driving head-on into a passing car, and alerted a friend that I was afraid I might harm myself signaled my return to Prozac. I’m a couple of months in and feeling much more balanced, positive, hopeful, and even-keeled. The libido that returned during my hiatus has dried up. It is what it is. Being alive and present and engaged for myself, my kids, and my husband, is far more important at this point but eventually something will have to give and I’ll need to find my way back to a desire for sex.
I’m celebrating my birthday with a dinner party with my closest friends in a private dining room of a local restaurant. I went through an exercise of highlighting the most meaningful friendships in my life daily on FB which not only deepened those relationships but connected with me with people that I wasn’t as close to as they learned how those friendships had been cultivated. The closest, dearest people to me are very close and very dear and it was quite an emotional experience to regale each person with why they are important to me.
Aside from a complete inability to lose weight, I’ve continued working out on the regular and feel great about my strength and mobility. The one piece of my life that is still missing is finding employment. The darkness leading up to and through the recurrence of depression sidelined any efforts I was making in that regard. I still don’t have an answer to what I will do for work but know that as I feel better and in charge of my life again, I now I’m capable of being productive.
It is a 90 degree day here and I must get out in it. If anyone is still reading, please leave a comment and let me know how things are in your world or just say hi. I’ve missed you.
This is a picture from just a couple of days ago, my older son looking through G’s recently completed conception to birth book with him: