Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

Archives

Visitors

A Pit in My Stomach

We received final approval on our birth mother letter/profile (I like calling it a profile for which the birth mother letter is but a part. I don’t see the whole thing as a letter to an expecting mother, but I guess that is how it is viewed) a bit ago and then I called around to get pricing to have it printed into a booklet. It’s all part of the mechanics of this process. The two big copy chains quoted $270 and $260, respectively, for 30 copies. $270! For 30 copies! Granted, we’re talking 11 X 17, double sided 100# card stock, full color, full bleed, collated, folded, and stapled, but still. Thankfully, by shopping around, I was able to find a local store to do them for $199.

I’ve been reviewing profiles for three years. I’ve looked at more than three dozen and have maybe a dozen and a half copies of other people’s profiles that I used as guides and points of reference to create ours. I was very happy with the final product: the background, the format, the arrangement, the photos, the copy.

In reality, I really had a hard time getting started on it. It was akin to a feeling of dread. I mean just how does one market themselves to a prospective birth mother in the hopes of clicking with her in a way that she will want you to parent her unborn child? But, once I got started, it flowed pretty quickly and easily, and with the help of the few friends that critiqued it and the mad design skills of my husband, came together beautifully. Thank goodness we were able to create it on our own. The agency gave me referrals to some former clients who successfully adopted and now offer their design skills to others. One quoted $600 (not including printing costs!). So, again, thank g-d we were able to do it on our own.

My husband visited the print store with an example profile to make sure they knew exactly what we wanted. Once the manager saw the finished product, he told my husband it was really a $400 job (which is when my husband called me, I hit the roof, told him to walk out, but his calmer head prevailed and he got the manager to honor the $199 price he quoted me on the phone). He said it would take him a couple to three days to produce. We planned to pick them up tomorrow morning, but my husband went by yesterday and surprised me with them. I admit that I was excited to see them in their finished form. I opened the box and my knees weakened, sending me to the couch. Just seeing us in print, in booklet form, in THE mechanism that will open the door to our next child coming to us gave me a pit in my stomach. I have that pit as I type this now. In fact, my heart is beating fast just thinking of delivering them to the agency this week. It means game on for us.

I no longer vacillate as to whether this is the right decision as I know that it is. I have many of the same worries as any 44 year old parent might when considering adding another child to her family. I think about it all.the.time. Sitting here typing this I envision what it will be like to blog with a newborn sleeping next to me. When my son is at school or napping, I think of how it will be to spend alone time with an infant again (and vice versa). When I run an errand solo I think of how it will be to be run that same errand with my daughter in her carrier or even with both of my children with me. Just typing that makes me weepy.

I sometimes still don’t know what to make of the myriad feelings that go with this process: the desire, the fear, the anticipation, the worry, the excitement, the angst, the longing, the hope, the unbelievable amount of trust that I must place in this process. As I have felt along the way, I have but this one life and I must do my best to live the life I’ve long envisioned lest I be plagued by regret. I have been searching for an elusive feeling of completeness that I believe only having another child can bring. And, it’s not completeness in me so much as for the family I’ve dreamed of having. It is that anticipation that is the pit in my stomach now.

8 comments to A Pit in My Stomach

  • Gosh, I can TOTALLY understand the pit feelings – ever since revisiting my IVF spreadsheet I’ve had the same sort of feelings. Excitement, sprinkled with worry, but also knowing that it’s the right decision, too – all wrapped up and entangled inside.

    Anyway. I’m excited for you, anyway. :)

    xoxo

  • I too am hoping and praying that things will all fall into place for you. I am so inspired by what a dedicated parent you are! I hope I can be as kind to my daughter as you are/will be.

    PS – I am in So. Cal too. Nice to “meet” you.

  • Joannah

    I hope and pray that you will feel more and more peaceful about this huge change that is to come. I’ve probably mentioned it before, but because of pursuing an adoption from China for a couple years before I married Michael, I have met so many adoptive (both domestic and international) families IRL and URL. And they are such amazing families. I truly believe that adoption is a blessing to all parties involved. I wish my life were different in that I wish that I’d married younger and could have built a family that included adopted children. If God blesses me with another marriage in the not too distant future, I’d be all over that!

  • Tireegal

    I hope your baby girl us in your arms really really soon. Course I am really curious about your portfolio! It sounds beautiful, well presented and well written! Does your agency give you any clue about time frame and how does it work with selection? Do thr first parents see all profiles or do they narrow them down by criteria? Thinking of you and hoping for good news! ( hugs)
    PS being almost 43 myself and wondering if any children will come after Isibel you are my inspiration!

    • iiwii

      Their current average wait time is 6 – 12 months, however, since we are specifying gender it could double that time. And, if it looks like it might, we may change it from a specification to a preference (which means our profile would get shown to all birth mothers except those who know they are having a boy). And, profiles are narrowed by “filter” (which could be gender, ethnicity, birth mother expenses, etc) so that you are only shown to birth mothers that meet your criteria and vice versa.

  • Holy moly, that is expensive. I had 30 copies made at Fed.ex/Kin.kos, and I paid $88. I think it has to do with the extra touches… ours was merely 11-17″ folded (not binded or stapled- four pages on heavy duty gloss paper all color).

    Yeah, I have the same feelings as well. Up/down/up/down. But at the end of the day… that feeling that our family is still missing one person snaps me back into the reality that this is something I am/we are deeply committed to.

  • So happy that you’re moving forward, and SO looking forward to hearing about this next bit of the journey you’re on!

Leave a Reply to serenity Cancel reply

  

  

  

You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>