Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"

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Amongst the pregnant ladies

At my age, most of my IRL friends are finished family building. And, even the URL friends that I’ve mostly met through infertility/egg donation/adoption blogs that have become IRL friends are quite content to have one child. So, I don’t have the occasion to go to baby showers very often. In fact, the last one I went to I actually hosted and that was last summer. Nevertheless, I was invited to a baby shower today.

The women at this baby shower were all younger than me by ten years. Three of them are pregnant with #2; others have two or three children. Those that weren’t pregnant speak of being pregnant again as a foregone conclusion as in, “I’m a fertile Myrtle”, “Or, all I have to do is to decide when I want to be pregnant again” or “Maybe I’ll get pregnant in the Fall so I won’t have to endure a hot pregnant summer”.

I don’t know these women very well. In fact, they are mostly friends with my husband. And, the shower itself was casual and easy and down to earth. Conversation was lively and varied, there were not any shower games (save the bibs and onesies we each decorated with fabric paint), and the food was good.

What struck me as I was there among them is that I want to be one of them. I want to be pregnant. I want that experience of a baby moving inside of me again, of celebrating the miracle of new life. I want. I want. I want.

I was asked twice if we were going to have another as if “having another” was something one just orders up. As self assured and composed as I always am, this question stumps me every time. Do I fib, for the sake of one asking and simply say, “No, we’re quite content with one” or “Since we got a late start, we’re so blessed with our son”. Or, do I utter a near truth by saying, “Maybe, someday”. Or, do I say what I said today which was, “At my age, my eggs are fried” (to which someone always recounts the story of some sibling or friend or aunt or friend of a friend who had an “ooops” pregnancy at 45 (or today, 46).

It is not only about wanting a sibling. If it were, we would have adopted. It is, quite simply, about my desire to be pregnant again. To maybe be able to enjoy the experience more without the constant fear of losing the baby. To maybe be vertical while being pregnant. To maybe have a more “normal” pregnancy. To maybe walk among people who will invariably ask “When are you due?” or “Do you know the gender?” or, “Is this your first?”

Yet, even though I can name that desire by writing about it here, I’m wan to do that much about it. I am nearing 44. ‘Nuff said.

1 comment to Amongst the pregnant ladies

  • I hate that question too. I hated it when we were trying for our first, and I still hate it.

    What I say now is something like “we’d like for O to have a sibling, but it’s not up to us.” Which is vague and polite, and if people want to ask another question, I’ve opened the door to talk about the fact that it took us three years to have our first and nothing’s certain.

    Still though. Sucks that you have to come up with a response in the first place. I get that people mean well. Doesn’t mean that I’m OKAY with it though.

    xxx

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