Our Journey

2002 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #1

2003 1st consult with an RE, you know, just in case

2003 Got Married (at 37 (me) & 34 (DH) years old)

2003/2004 Naturally conceived pregnancies BFPs #1, #2, & #3 and miscarriages #1, #2, #3

2005 Uterine Fibroid Surgery #2

2005 IVF #1, BFN #1

2005 IUIs #1 and #2, just because, BFN #2 & #3

2005 FET from IVF #1, BFN #4

2006 Exploratory surgery to remove scar tissue from fibroid sugery #2

2006 IVF #2 (w PGD), BFP #4

2006 Emergency cerclage for IC @ 16w6d (5 months + 1 week of complete bed rest at home ensues)

2007 Our son is born @ 38w by scheduled c-section

2007 IVF #3 for baby #2, BFN #5

2007 IVF #4, BFP #5, miscarriage #4

2008 IVF #5, BFP #6, miscarriage #5

2008 IVF #6, BFP #7, miscarriage #6

2008 DE IVF #7, BFN #6

2009 DEFET #8, cancelled, embryos don't thaw

2010 Decide to adopt domestically

12.17.10 Profile is live with our agency

November 2011 Consult with RE re: donated embryo cycle

Early January 2012 Cleared to proceed with deFET

January 2012 Freeze our profile

1.20.12 deFET begins
2.12.12 eSET of one compacted morula
2.22.12 BFN

3.23.12 deFET #2 begins
4.14.12 transfer 3 embryos (1-8 cell, 1-5 cell, 1-4 cell)
4.22.12 + HPT
4.24.12 Beta #1 = 48.4
4.26.12 Beta #2 = 125.7
4.30.12 Beta #3 = 777.8
5.11.12 1st U/S - Singleton!
7.12.12 It's a Boy!
12.26.12 C-section: Baby G is born, 9#5oz, 20.5"



What IF?

I participated in Part I of Stirrup Queen’s partnership with RESOLVE, Project IF. In doing so, I reflected a lot on what got me here; here being motherhood. I am someone’s mother. The struggle, the surgeries, the cycling, the science, the expense, the waiting, the heartache, the hoping, all paid off. And, even though I am angst ridden over the question of “what next?”, my feelings surrounding my infertility seem settled. Now, that doesn’t mean that on some days I don’t wistfully consider doing another donor cycle, or hope I magically become pregnant naturally, but in general, where my struggle with infertility is concerned, I feel settled.

And, I also feel deep gratitude. I’m grateful for the pioneering doctors who conceived (pun intended) of the notion that perhaps they could create the genesis of a fetus OUTSIDE of a woman’s body. I am grateful to the women who were willing to undergo far more invasive procedures during the early IVFs in order to advance the science while hoping beyond hope to fulfill their dream of becoming mothers so that I could fulfill mine.

I am very grateful that I had a close friendship with a woman undergoing IVF at a time when I never thought I would have to. I learned from her all the ins and outs of cycling, what different protocols were, what the stim phase felt like, what a retrieval and transfer were like, what PGD was, what hell the 2ww was. She got pregnant before I ever dreamed I’d be cycling, and spotted for 16 weeks. I’m grateful that I knew about that because it planted the seed that the outcome could be OK and it prepared me for the bleeding episodes I had during my first trimester. That my struggle with infertility ultimately cost me that friendship, among others, is not lost on me.

The universe did a lovely job in preparing me for the struggle. And I sometimes think, what if she hadn’t? What if I was forced into ART blindly? Could I have possibly weathered it as well as I did but for the universe showing me the way when I didn’t even know I was about to get lost?

So, on this day, I express gratitude to the universe and to the doctors and women who went decades before me, so that I didn’t have to wonder, in the absence of the availability of ART, what if.

2 comments to What IF?

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